Saturday, 29 May 2010

Westminster gay couple convicted over £40,000 fraud

Original photo: Hat Tip to Dizzy, who got it from @TimMontgomerie, who got it from @Marthakearney, who got it from here:

Infamous "lovers' nest" fraudsters Dave Cameron and Nickers Clegg were jailed today at the Central Criminal Court at the Old Saimey for their "astounding" series of frauds and daylight robberies on taxpayers.

The senior detective from the investigation team said "When you add up their long list of crimes such as letting Nobby Brown run his Downing St gang for 13 years unhindered, running a protection racket with the EU syndicate and, worst of all, letting that buffoon Prescott into the Lords, it could cost each taxpayer upto the tune of £40,000 a year."

The gay couple were unrepentant as they took many photo calls in their publicity stunts. It is suspected that they may be part of the sinister "Westminster ring" of crooks who detectives say could number upto 650 and are known to be lying, hypocritical bastards.

Democracy campaigner Robert Mugabe said this kind of thing is disgraceful and that they should learn lessons in good governance and accountability from beacons of integrity like Zimbabwe and Afghanistan.

In the summing up, Lord Chief Justice Cherie Blair said "it is not clear which one of you was on top but it is quite clear: neither of you is above the Laws".

David Laws' boyfriend was unavailable for comment today.

Friday, 28 May 2010

Cami-Knicker Coalition

The Cameron/Nick coalition sounds like and has many similarities to cami-knickers:
  • Soft
  • Silky
  • Frilly
  • Smooth
  • Easily torn
  • Made for tarts
  • Full of tarts
  • Barely cover unmentionables
  • Impractical for normal use
  • Very expensive for what they are
  • Contribute to those involved getting shafted

Although I wish the Cami-Knickers well for the benefit of the country, it doesn't look good when we realise how cheaply Cameron has sold my ex-party's right-of-centre principles to the first manipulative opportunist he met.

I hope I'm wrong, for all our sakes.

Friday, 21 May 2010

Scientists Create New Artificial Life Form "Cameronis-Upcleggarse"

20 May 2010 - From our dumbed-down-science correspondent

The world of Political Science was in turmoil yesterday as researchers announced that they have created a new artificial political life form in a politically clean environment in the famous Coalition laboratories in Downing Street.

Analysts speculate that this revolutionary organism could be an invaluable tool in the fight by politicians against unpleasant diseases like democracy, accountability and popular sentiment.

The ingenuity of the scientists was revealed in a press conference where senior political scientist Dr Mandelslime described how his team had created this new life-form, called "Cameronis-Upcleggarse".

Scientists created the new slimy mold by sucking out and throwing away the nucleus of the common Conservatii organism and replacing it with the DNA from the rabid Yellow Libdemionis bacterium. The resulting cells responded poorly to various electoral tests such as manifesto commitments, but scientists hope they can manipulate the public into thinking this new form of life is a "Stable and Secure" government.

Monday, 17 May 2010

What Mugs!

Many thanks to Anna Raccoon and Ciaran for alerting us to some truly horrific choices in chinaware.

A Clegg/Cammy Coalition commemorative mug is on sale here:
Coalition Tankard - "The Coalition Government - A New Era of Hope""

and for heaven only knows what reason, a "Gordon Brown as PM" commemorative mug is on sale here:
Gordon Brown Mug - "Gordon Brown Prime Minister 27th June 2007"

Unfortunately the manufacturers seem to have made many errors in their design. I have tried my best with the limited tools at my disposal to correct these defects (being an unemployed scumbag, I only have the basic, free, picture editing software, Microsoft "Paint"). My amateur efforts are shown above.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Dear Gordon, ...

(Tue 11th May 2010, 19:20 - Gordon Brown has handed his resignation in, at last.)

Open Letter to Gordon Brown

Dear Gordon,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, for doing the only decent thing in your miserable, lying, crooked life.

But let’s not forget the huge list of things to thank you, Tony, Peter, Alleystare and all of your supporters, this is a short list of some of the wonderful things you have destroyed since 1997.

Just to remind you, in 1997:
  • We had a decent pension system that enabled retired people to live independently of the state.

  • We had a stable society with low immigration.

  • We had affordable house prices.

  • We had a working democracy that was free of corrupt “postal” voting.

  • Many mothers had the freedom to not work so that they could bring up their children.

  • We had a good education system that put our children in the top ten best educated countries in the world.

  • We had low unemployment.

  • We had low debts.

  • We had low taxes, our companies had low taxes so they could afford to employ us.

  • We had police “forces” (not “services”) and they were led by coppers, not politicised graduates.

  • We had a successful set of controls to keep the banks safe.

  • We had low, affordable council taxes.

  • We had our bins emptied every week, with no fuss.

  • We had no knife crime.

  • We had killers, rapists and drug dealers sent to prison.

  • We had a politically neutral civil service.

  • We had never been accused of war crimes.

  • We had never been accused of helping torturers.

  • We had a successful economy.

  • We had a large propsperous fishing fleet.

  • We had a large prosperous farming sector.

  • We had an industrial capacity twenty times the size that it is today.

  • We used to decide our own laws in the Houses of Parliament (not in Brussels).

  • We had a majority of MPs in parliament who did not lie on their expenses.

  • We had some of the best and oldest civil liberties in the world as protected by Magna Carta, Habeas Corpus, “Trial By Jury” and “Innocent Until Proved Guilty”.

Thank you for destroying all of these.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so very very much.

Your memories will always be associated with lying, corruption, crookedness, greed, spite, unnecessary wars, ethnic cleansing and bankruptcy.

Aren’t you proud?

Monday, 3 May 2010

Gordon Brown bomb found smouldering in Times-Over Square in Non York.

Police were alerted by reports of foul and sinsiter smells coming from an abandoned vehicle in Times-Over Square in Rochdale, Non York (Lancashire), home of that well-loved Naggy Granny, Gillian Duffy.

The car, a "Gordon Brown" model from the NooLab factory, was immediately cordoned off by police as smoke billowed out of its badly engineered Ballsworth engine.

The authorities sent in specialist political journalists wearing hardened spin-proof suits that can withstand thousands of KiloMandelsons of radiation on the BS scale.

After much painstaking research, investigators discovered that the Gordon Brown had been deliberately primed with an initiating trigger fuse made from Real-voter a substance known by scientists to be very destructive to Remote Politicians. They suspect that the bomb designers hoped this would detonate the large number of ten gallon drums filled with that well known high explosive Revelatio Truthio.

This chance discovery helped many innocent passers-by to esscape a ghastly death from a high taxplosive mutually assured destruction. Experts say that many millions more could have been injured by flying policies and loss of democracy.

Senior politicians are avoiding unsecured public places in case they get exposed to normal people.

Admiral Gordon Horatio Brownblower and the Tale of the Bath Squabbles

Gordon Brownblower had arrived fresh from his success at the Battle of Madrid to the Port of Bristol to face his ancient enemies Marshal de Clegg and the Duc Cameron.

The battle raged for 90 minutes with both sides sparing no cliche or condascension. Innocent civilians were caught in the artillery blasts of idiocy and banality. Many, sadly, fell asleep and some even succumbed to attacks of nausea.

A spectacular victory for the righteous forces of NuLab were finally achieved as Admiral Brownblower sent his message of triumph to the leaders of the defeated forces “I watch boys in the bath, stop squabbling”.

It was over at last, our sacred land of Noolabeur was safe from another attempted invasion by the evil forces of Yellow Socialism and Rinsed-Blue Socialism. Lonng may our Red Socialism, which is slightly different to theirs, prevail.

(Apologies to C.S.Forester)

Originally published after the "Leaders' Debate" 23-Apr-2010