Cameron Letter: Dear Nation, You’re all loons and we’re so cool

LETTER FROM THE PRIME MINISTER, THE RT.HON.DAVID CAMERON, TO THE NATION


Dear Swivel eyed loons, closet racists, fruitcakes, bigots, homophobes, NIMBYs, BANANAs, NUMBPYDs * and other taxpayers,

As you all realise, my carefully selected metrosexual inner circle of school chums and tennis partners and I are absolutely right in everything we do and we feel intensely relaxed about our decision to roll out an ambitious, nationwide programme of name-calling and offence-giving.

As I have said before, “We are all in this together”. What this actually means is quite simple. On the one hand you unposh and poor people are “in this”, meaning in a big pile of doo doo and consequently have to suffer the pain of higher taxes, pay freezes, failing pensions, job losses, higher living costs, mass immigration and failing public services.

Meanwhile, we of the gilded classes in the Political/Intergovernmental/Media/Public Services sectors (PIMPS) will continue to get pay increases, lavish expenses, generous pensions, job security and/or guarantee of reemployment. We of course are the “together” part of that phrase by which of course I mean that we are together in our enjoyment of these advantages that you idiot taxpayers provide for us.

But, of course, this is insufficient for our modern 21st century politics, so we have decided to add to your pain by insulting most of you, especially those who actually contribute to society.

Our nudge-units and policy wonks have used all of the expensive, specialised training that they received at public school or from their Marxist lecturers on their Politics, Philosophy and Economics courses to construct and deliver an impressive series of insults to you all.

We are hurling verbal insults at you, insulting your sensibilities by imposing eye-wateringly mad policies and insulting your intelligence by everything we do and say.

This is the right thing to do and I am confident that you will remember this and thank us at the next election.


Yours sincerely,


David Cameron


* NIMBY = Not in My Back Yard
   BANANA = Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anything
   NUMBPYD = Not Up My Back Passage You Don’t

Towering Intellects from BBC and LSE Involved in Brawl

"We demand our right to use human shields", say BBC brains while LSE geniuses demand right to censor journalists.


A flurry of claims and counter claims filled the airwaves yesterday as the super-human intelligences from the BBC and the London School of Economics clashed over their respective human or inhuman rights.

"Listen, you puny humans" said an intellect at the BBC's Broadcasting House, "you just don't get it. We superior beings demand our alienable right to use anyone as a human shield while we film friendly documentaries about noble North Korean leaders. Any effort to deny us this fundamental right is tantamount to Thatcherite racism, you fascist pig-dog lackeys."

The L.S.E.'s spokes-brain whose I.Q. is 274, gave a press conference from its large cylidrical glass jar and told reporters how this irresponsible act threatened their left-wing hegemony and that it was THEIR job to befriend the left-wing brutal dictators of the world. The spokes-brain went on to say "The world knows that it is our mission to befriend world dictators like Gadaffi and award their sons fake degrees. The BBC should butt out and, furthermore, all you puny human journalists should bow down before us and only publish stories we like."

The BBC is a world renowned news bending organisation and recently gave itself an award for its fearless, in-depth coverage of how Margaret Thatcher wasn't a sports fanatic.

Brian Leveson said "I don't care if a left-leaning news organisation puts students' lives at risk, the most important thing is that the Murdoch press must never publish stories that hurt Hugh Grant's feelings. It is what lives were sacrificed for in two world wars."

Sources:

     "We're always right and must be allowed to risk lives" say BBC - (Independent)
     "No! We're always right and we must censor the news" say LSE - (Guardian)
     Shocking exclusive: BBC paid journalist to say Thatcher not terribly keen on sport - (BBC)
     LSE awarded dubious degree to Gadaffi's son, Blair gave him tuition - (Independent)
     LSE receives £1.5 million from Gadaffi - (Daily Mail)

"You're all a bunch of b*******" rants hate preacher Abu Denis Healey as all politicians vow to deport him

Abu Mustaffa-Tax Denis Healey, the infamous hate preacher was universally condemned last night by leaders of all sensible parties. 95 year old Abu Denis Healey has been accused of delivering foul tirades against poor Ed Miliband and, even worse, of stating how he fancied making Margaret Thatcher one of his wives.

David Cameron, leader of the Lib-Lab-Con party, made a key speech in parliament yesterday promising unequivocally to have Abu Denis Healey deported, if possible, maybe next week. He went on "I feel very strongly as a passionate liberal that this sort of language is quite uncalled for in our modern 21st century, passionately liberal and proudly wishy-washy, metrosexual Britain. People with independent opinions like that make us all feel quite sick. It has to stop and it has to stop now!"

Cleggie simpered "I feel quite hurt he didn't insult me, I think I'll go and open another baby care centre in Bromsgrove.". Nigel Farage, UKIP leader said "Denis is bang out of order with this uncontrolled ranting, that's my job. Who's gonna watch my Youtube speeches now!"

Cameron went on to say "I give you a cast iron promise that this enemy of liberty will be summarily put under house arrest without due legal process, he will be harassed and snooped on by hundreds of staff from the security services without any court order and he will be arrested on spurious charges that won't hold for 5 minutes. This gives a clear message to freedom haters like this everywhere that we are proud to protect of our liberal values of selective fairness and justice."

Abu Denis Healey's main victim, the hapless Ed Miliband who was once a winner of the Mr Wimpiverse contest and appeared in nasal hair spray and Mr Sheen polish adverts before becoming an unrecognised politician, said "This kind of spittle-ridden, left-wing tub thumping is out of character for our party, his vile words shame the good memories of wise and eloquent orators such as George Galloway, Ed Balls, Denis Skinner and John Prescott."

Debt Bomb Terrorism
Abu Denis Healey is reputed to have been Osama brown-Gordon's predecessor as the holder of finances for the notorious terrorist death cult, N'hu l'abour. Victims of his terrorist atrocities in the 1970s recall with horror how he made their "pips squeak".

In a famous televised speech made by Abu Denis Healey in the 1970s, he claimed to have ended boom and bust, sorry, he claimed the pound in his pocket wasn't worth a fly's fart or something like that. Anyway, what followed showed an uncanny similarity to Osama brown-Gordon's infamous terrorist debt bombs that were indiscriminately unleashed on Britain in the 2000s.

One of Denis Healey's greatest terror acts was his budget of 1974 that saw the destruction of 83% of people's earnings. Over the next years the accumulated destruction from Dennis Healey's inflationary explosions was so great that the International Monetary Fund had to send in rescue forces to bale out a humiliated Britain in 1976. And this of course later led on to the Winter of Discontent in 1979.

Zimmer-framists Threat
Abu Denis Healey is also considered by many to be Osama brown-Gordon's ambassador to the secretive zimmer-framist communities in Britain. Some fear that the segregationist attitudes of the zimmer-framed causes friction in society.

Many selfless staff in the public sector fight tirelessly to protect us from the untold harm that the zimmer-framists could unleash on us. Hard-working professionals in the NHS bravely kill zimmer-framists off in the thousands by ignoring them in hospital and refusing to give them food and water. These noble goldplated-pensioned NHS managers also devise ingenious weapons of mass destruction such as the Liverpool Care Pathway to obliterate their enemies.

Other brave workers from the civil service and from the green political arena, and it has to be said greatly enhanced by Miliband's loony Climate Change Act, have cunningly increased the price of energy by so much green taxes during these record-breaking cold spells that thousands more of the zimmer-framists are being killed off because of energy poverty.

Living in his multi-million pound terrorist training ranch in Sussex, paid for by taxpayers from his dubious MP benefits, Abu Denis Healey can often be seen in his front garden shaking his walking stick at passers by and spouting foam-flecked abuse at innocent politicians of all three genders.



      References
      New Statesman - Denis Healey - UKIP Bastards, Miliband no charisma, Maggie is hot stuff
      Anna Raccoon blog - Where are they now: Osama brown-Gordon
      BBC - Denis Healey making their "pips squeak"
      Guardian - Budgets including 1974's 83% tax rate

"YOU'RE A NASTY PIECE OF WORK, AREN'T YOU?" - THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS.

It is an unexplained mystery that many hard-hitting interviews by Eddie Mair with left of centre politicians have disappeared from the unbiased BBC's archives.

After much painstaking archeological research, a few fragments of these interviews have been recovered. We proudly present them here in order to give credence to the myth, sorry fact, that BBC journalists are not vindictive, left-leaning lackies.




THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    ZILLIONAIRE TONY BLAIR

EDDIE MAIR:
You were the first serving Prime Minister to be interviewed by the police. Not once, but three times.

Under your premiership, your administration was rocked by unprecedented scandals over cash-for-honours and MP expense frauds.

You were accused by one of your researchers, Andrew Neather, of actively implementing the policy of mass immigration whilst publicly denying it at the time. This has been said to have created overcrowding in schools and hospitals, unaffordable, huge house prices and the cause of much friction within society.

You actively promoted the case for the Iraq war based on known lies and half truths. Some say that without your active support and the carefully crafted propaganda that you, Alistair Campbell and John Scarlett (later promoted) created, the Iraq war would not have been waged and a peace settlement could have been made.

You have made vast fortunes from the American lecture circuits and from directorships of US banks, all thanks to your war crimes. This blood money has helped you and your acquisitive, shop-lifting, fare-dodging, over-lenient magistrate of a wife amass a huge multi-million pound property portfolio.

Do you sleep at night knowing that you are responsible for hundreds of thousands of unnecessary deaths that are still occurring now?

You're nasty pieces of work, the pair of you, aren't you?

       New York Times - Blair questioned by police
       Sky - Labour encouraged mass immigration to UK
       Max Hastings - If scintilla decency Tony Blair Alastair Campbell John Scarlett faces public again
       Guardian - bounty-blair-war-criminal-chilcot       Telegraph - Has Cherie Blair no shame I think we know the answer to that
       Guardian - Cherie Blair, fare dodger
       Independent - Results-of-cherie-blair-inquiry-were-covered-up


THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    HIGH STEWARD OF HULL PETER MANDELSON

EDDIE MAIR:
Mr Mandelson, I put it to you that not only were you caught lying twice, but you did so while you were a Minister of the Crown.

On one of those occasions, the lie was to cover up your actions in giving an unauthorised British passport to a millionaire Labour party donor.

You are loathed by most in your own party and you were considered a rank hypocrite when you betrayed your labour roots by shamelessly pursuing the lifestyle of an oligarch and accepting a place in the House of Lords.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

       Guardian - Mandelson loan scandal
       BBC - Mandelson and the Hinduja brothers
       Guardian - Guardian - Glassy eyed Mandelson: Labour, man and boy
       Littlejohn - Peter Mandelson: "This time next year Reinaldo we'll be billionaires"



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    CLEGGIE

EDDIE MAIR:
Cleggie, You famously claimed to support low student fees and then, months later when the smell of coalition power was in your nostrils, you let those students down by raising tuition fees by a factor of 300% to £9,000.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    JOHN PRESCOTT

EDDIE MAIR:
You maintained an affair with one of your subordinates, throughout which you very likely told many lies to those around you. I wonder, was she coerced into that affair? You formed many liaisons with your mistress during work time, whilst taxpayers were still working to fund your indulgent lifestyle.

You betrayed your Labour roots by not only playing croquet on a posh lawn of your state-supplied mansion (during working hours) but you didn't really seem to care about being photographed.

Your incompetent "Pathfinder" housing schemes destroyed row upon row of viable housing stock, much of which now forms "Prescott" wastelands in the North.

You betrayed the taxpayers, you betrayed your wife, and you betrayed your old-fashioned, hard working Labour supporters.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

       Guardian - Prescott two year affair
       BBC - Prescott, croquet
       Money Week - How John Prescott wasted 22bn
       Express - John Prescott has left us in slums



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    MICHAEL MARTIN

EDDIE MAIR:
You brought the position of speaker of the House of Commons into disrepute, you became known as an ignorant, inarticulate bully and, later, a figure of fun.

You and your wife hoovered up expenses and the lavish Speaker lifestyle like there was no tomorrow.

You sacked civil servants for the crime of being too "posh".

You spent £100,000 of taxpayers money on a soviet-style clampdown on any exposure of the crooked MPs' expenses frauds.

You presided over a regime of biased, political thuggery that saw its zenith when you encouraged police to arrest Damian Green purely for doing what all opposition MPs should be doing.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

       Irish Independent - Undignified-downfall-of-a-bullyboy-speaker
       Guardian - Sacked by Michael Martin for being posh
       Daily Mail - Speaker-Michael-Martin-condemned-120-000-taxpayer-funded-legal-bid-MPs-expenses-secret
       Guardian - Michael Martin - Damian Green



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    DAEDALUS X. PARROT

EDDIE MAIR:
You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

DAEDALUS X. PARROT:
I have no time for Boris Johnson and I regard him as a two-faced, selfish politician, pretending to be a buffoon in order to cover up the fact that he really is a buffoon.

But I find it the height of nastiness and hypocrisy when you and your colleagues habitually show a blatant bias against centre right politicians while simultaneously showing a casual, cooperative attitude to left wing politicians.

If you regard the likes of Blair, Mandelson, Prescott, and Martin as not being nasty pieces of work, then I am proud to be so accused by you.

Nick Clegg Phone-In

The Nick Clegg Phone-In, live on LBC 97.3 FM

NICK CLEGG: Hello, this is the Nick Clegg phone in. What have you got to say caller. Er, is that Chris from Westminster?

CALLER 1: CHRISTINE RENNARD OF WESTMINSTER: No Nick this is, er, Christine, my voice is a bit hoarse. Don't you agree that it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only 21st century party that supports the inalienable right of every portly gentleman over 50 to lovingly grope, I mean caress, us young females, especially when they work for me, I mean for you?

NICK CLEGG: Well Christine, of course the Lib Dems are right to support all such gestures of affection, but only so long as the lady concerned can be bullied, promoted or paid off and if the gentleman concerned is not a Conservative. By the way your voice sounds suspiciously like a Lord I know, are you sure you are a lady?

CALLER 2: MIKE HANCOCK: Hi Nick, I'm Mike Hancock C.B.E., the harworking Lib Dem MP for Portsmouth South. I agree completely with the last caller. In fact, I was only saying to my attractive 19 year old Russian assistant the other day, "Isn't it wonderful that you never shop me for indulging in such acts of affection.".

CALLER 3: MARK OF OATEN: Hi Nick, thanks for letting me speak, first time caller. Don't you agree that it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only modern and accountable party to support the right of every decent man to lovingly engage in unspeakable 3-in-a-bed acts with rent boys and to promote the teaching of such in schools?

NICK CLEGG: Mark, you are of course right,the Lib Dems are the only party to support such individuals but we are confident that our coalition partners the Conservatives are moving that way as well.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller, Nick Clegg here.

CALLER 4: PADDY FROM PANTSDOWN: Hi Nick, good of me to speak to you. You agree with me, of course, that it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only democratic party to support the right of every decent man to engage in affectionate pantsdown activities with women who are not their wives. And finally, when are ya goin to let me give that lovely wife of yours a good...

NICK CLEGG: I think Paddy got cut off there, but, yes Paddy, only reactionary dinosaurs believe in these ghastly Victorian marriage vows. We and our coalition partners are successfully trying to destroy the institution of marriage.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller, Nick Clegg here.

CALLER 5: CHRIS H.: Hi Nick, it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only party to support the right of every decent man to affectionately coerce their wives to take their speeding points for them.

NICK CLEGG: Yes Chris, being a modern party, we strongly support the right of every Lib Dem MP to ignore any laws they don't like. But this can only happen in a fair and accountable society if the little people below us obey those same laws to prevent anarchy and also if they give us more of their pay to keep us in the democratic, subsidised life styles we deserve.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller what have you got to say.

CALLER 6: JEREMY THORPE: Nick, isn't it shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only gay-friendly party that supports the loving acts of attempted assassination between one loving consensual male and another in a consensual way?

NICK CLEGG: Yes, the Lib Dems are the only party loony enough to believe this.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller Nick Clegg here.

CALLER 7: DAVID LAWS: Hello Nick, I feel it is shocking and distressing that more MPs are not allowed to lovingly rob the taxpayer via fraudulent expenses claims and then lovingly give it to their landlord boyfriend.

NICK CLEGG: David you are right but the Lib Dems and the Conservatives have demonstrated how progressive they are by allowing such people to go unpunished and even promoting them to high office.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller you're through to Nick Clegg.

CALLER 8: P.C.PLOD: Is it the case that you did knowingly conspire in the procurement of young and impressionable, silly girls and did knowingly allow them to be coerced into situations of sexual exploitation by an over-aged multiple chinned deviant?

NICK CLEGG: Yes, that is Lib Dem policy. Also, we strongly condemn self-appointed detectives in the press who notice this and hopefully they will be locked up when our Leveson proposals become law.

CALLER 8: P.C.PLOD: OK sunshine, get yer trousers on, you're nicked.