Tuesday 21 May 2013

Cameron Letter: Dear Nation, You’re all loons and we’re so cool

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Dear Swivel eyed loons, closet racists, fruitcakes, bigots, homophobes, NIMBYs, BANANAs, NUMBPYDs * and other taxpayers,

As you all realise, my carefully selected metrosexual inner circle of school chums and tennis partners and I are absolutely right in everything we do and we feel intensely relaxed about our decision to roll out an ambitious, nationwide programme of name-calling and offence-giving.

As I have said before, “We are all in this together”. What this actually means is quite simple. On the one hand you unposh and poor people are “in this”, meaning in a big pile of doo doo and consequently have to suffer the pain of higher taxes, pay freezes, failing pensions, job losses, higher living costs, mass immigration and failing public services.

Meanwhile, we of the gilded classes in the Political/Intergovernmental/Media/Public Services sectors (PIMPS) will continue to get pay increases, lavish expenses, generous pensions, job security and/or guarantee of reemployment. We of course are the “together” part of that phrase by which of course I mean that we are together in our enjoyment of these advantages that you idiot taxpayers provide for us.

But, of course, this is insufficient for our modern 21st century politics, so we have decided to add to your pain by insulting most of you, especially those who actually contribute to society.

Our nudge-units and policy wonks have used all of the expensive, specialised training that they received at public school or from their Marxist lecturers on their Politics, Philosophy and Economics courses to construct and deliver an impressive series of insults to you all.

We are hurling verbal insults at you, insulting your sensibilities by imposing eye-wateringly mad policies and insulting your intelligence by everything we do and say.

This is the right thing to do and I am confident that you will remember this and thank us at the next election.

Yours sincerely,

David Cameron

* NIMBY = Not in My Back Yard
   BANANA = Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anything
   NUMBPYD = Not Up My Back Passage You Don’t

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