PHONE HACKING-GATE - EXCLUSIVE - TRANSCRIPTS LEAKED

Wikileaks have released a set of transcripts of the infamous phone hacking conversations.

Sources say that these files were found on a train by a cleaner after being left there by a GCHQ employee and that they were in turn illegally obtained by MI6 agents from a rogue cell of typists from the Womens' Institute who illegally typed up transcriptions of tapes that were illegally stolen by undercover ACPO police sex-therapists who obtained them from illegal private detectives from the Press Complaints Commission who were illegally investigating News of the World readers who illegally had an IQ above 12.

What we have here is a serious case of illegal alphabetti spaghetti:GCHQ,MI6,WI,PCC,NOTW,IQ

Never mind that, what now follows is some of those illegal transcripts. DO NOT READ ANY OF THESE TRANSCRIPTS, OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE SUED by a bunch of useless venal self-serving treacherous politicians and lawyers.

Remember, DO NOT READ THESE TRANSCRIPTS.

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GORDON BROWN PHONE HACKING FILE
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Messages left on GB's phone

Fri 13-Jun-1997
"Mr Brown, This is Sarah Macaulay. I am just replying to your advert in "Politico Trophy Wife Mart Weekly" wherein you expressed a desire to employ a nice, younger gel to be a pretend wifey and to breed some vote-getting children with. I wish to discuss terms with you and wonder if you and your lawyer would be free to meet me and my lawyer tomorrow. The terms looked particularly attractive, especially the bit about becoming party friends with Kate Moss and Nelson Mandela, I think he is soo cool. Yours sincerely, Sarah. Oh this voice mail thing is so awkw...."

Thu 20-May-2004
"Gordy Boy, how ya doin? Berny Madoff here. New York's looking lovely this time a year, ya gotta come visit. Hey look Gordy Baby, I needs some more dosh, I needs it sooo badly. D'ya wanna know WHY? I'll tell YA!! I just know yer gonna love this sweet, SWEET DEAL I got going!!! It'll make yer a zillionaire baby, it can't fail, IT JUST CANNOT FAIL. But, hey, ya gotta get in on this sweet deal NOW baby, get on now before it goes to these other guys. Just send me some more of that lovely gold bullion you sent me last year from your gold vaults and YOU and YOUR FAMILY are made for life baby! Would I ever lie to you? Ciao."

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ED MILIBAND PHONE HACKING FILE
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Messages left on Ed's phone

Mon 11-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. I notice you looked a bit peeky on the telly today. Let me make you some lovely chicken broth."

Tue 12-Feb-2008
"Edikins, darling, I'm in Asda getting the ingredients for your chicken broth. I noticed they had a special offer on woolly undies so I've bought you 10 pairs to keep you warm. I'll pop round with the broth and undies later today."

Tue 12-Feb-2008
"Edikins, darling, this is Mum. Er... I tried to bring round the chicken broth but unfortunately the protection police officer on your doorstep asked me questions and when I refused to give him grandma Ethel's broth recipe he arrested me under some preventing terror act thingy. I'm phoning from the police station, can you come and have a word with them for me darlikins?"

Wed 13-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. You still haven't got back to me. Although the police protection officer was a very nice young man, he refused to believe I wasn't a terrorist. They very kindly drove me to a tiny airport in the middle of nowhere and they said I was being given a free flight on CIA airways to a place called Rendition. Hopefully it will be nice and sunny."

Thu 14-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. This place is terrible, I've been locked up in a tiny, grubby and badly lit waiting lounge and there are these two sour faced men sitting across the table from me. Honestly, they are so rude, uncouth, smell of BO and have this obsessive gimlet-eyed look, they keep going on and on about the broth I made. Edikins, they're just like that bunch of Troskyists your late Dad kept bringing home for his discussions, and they're just as tiresome. I told them, "What kind of a girl do you think I am? Would you give away YOUR Gran's secret chicken broth recipe?" They got a bit flustered, anyway I'm going to have my nap now, that'll annoy them, just like it annoyed your Dad's chums."

Fri 15-Feb-2008
"Ed, Mum here. Well at long last, those grumpy men left me, maybe they had to get their flights, they went away muttering about something or other being worse than the Taliban. Anyway a very nice young officer put me on a connecting flight to a very nice sunny resort in Cuba. This is a lovely place Eddy dear. None of that miserable British weather, regular meals and exercises and everyone wears these lovely orange jump suits. Very chic they are."

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ANTHONY BLAIR PHONE HACKING FILE
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Messages left on Tone's phone

Wed 14-Nov-2001
"George, this is Tony, er Tony Blair. You remember we were playing that cool boardgame last week at some leaders' summit or other? Doncha just love the activities they lay on at these summits, no dreary leader stuff to do, just loadsa fun times; board games, chats n stuff. Well I was wondering, by the way how is that lovely wife of yours, Cherry got on so well with her ... hang on a minute ... Alistair what do you want now. Don't interrupt us ... what do you mean I've dialled the wrong number, look it says "The Cool Leader" on the phone, ... oh of course silly me ... I'm dialling myself. What's George Bush's number again?"

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GEORGE BUSH PHONE HACKING FILE
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Messages left on George's phone

Wed 14-Nov-2001
"George, Tone here, how ya doing. Good to meet you the other week. I really enjoyed that Risk boardgame we played in your hotel, those little plastic tanks and bombers looked so realistic. Er, ... actually, ... I'm phoning about that game thing we were playing. Alistair tells me that it wasn't a game but was a "Combat Reality Scenario Tool" and that it, hee hee, actually means that we will be invading half of the middle east in the next few years."

"Look, er look, George, er , I thought it was only a bit of innocent fun, I didn't realise you were taking it all so seriously ... look I'm a compassionate kinda guy I don't want to go round the planet killing relatives of my voters."

"Is there any way we can rewind this thing?"

Thu 15-Nov-2001
"George, Tone here. I've just remembered that this war game thingy showed a lot of other plastic pieces representing oil revenues, loads of international posturing, lucrative lecture circuits and a Congresional Medal of Honour."

Look if it is ACTUALLY real, could we just play the bit of the game where I , er, I hate to ask, but could I have some of those lucrative bits if we invade just a tiny bit and don't kill anyone related to my voters?"

Dear Mr BBC - Thanks ever so for the Mozart

A listener writes

BBC Radio 3 is currently broadcasting all of Mozart's works over a 12 day period.

I felt that for once they should be congratulated:

Mr Daedalus Parrot                          Rose Cottage                          Lower Numpty                          Numptshire Whoever is in charge of Radio 3 Broadcasting House London W1A 1AA 3rd Jan 2011 Dear Sir/Madam, This is not a complaint! Far from it. I wish to congratulate you and your colleagues at Radio 3 for the excellent Mozart season you are broadcasting. I know I am not alone in thanking you for giving us listeners so much wonderful, sublime music that appeals directly to one's soul. I can quite honestly say that switching from Radio 4 to Radio 3 for the past few days has made me so happy and content that I have even stopped shouting at the dog and casting curses at the (far too) many labour supporters on the BBC such as Marcus Brigstocke and James Naughty and that scottish lady who can't read the news properly. This is a very welcome departure from Radio 3's previous policy of only broadcasting unintelligible marxist atonal "music", appalling screechy string quartets by mediocre composers and Benjamin Britten songs. I can quite honestly say that for the first time in many years, my justifiable and deep anger at being forced to pay the TV licence fee to fund the biased socialist programming at the BBC has been tempered a bit. In fact I shall make a point of not attaching my thesis on political biasedness when I post you my TV licence cheque this year. After all, it is only fair that good deeds be rewarded. May your change in broadcasting policy never end and many respects to the humanity, genius and hard work of Mozart. Yours ever so gratefully, Daedalus Parrot.

Mr Daedalus Parrot                          Rose Cottage                          Lower Numpty                          Numptshire Whoever is in charge of Radio 3 Broadcasting House London W1A 1AA 5th Jan 2011 Dear Sir/Madam, Further to my letter of 3rd Jan, I wish to say what a fantastic job you and your people are doing in broadcasting every single piece of manuscript penned by Mozart. You have of course, in the interests of academic completeness, decided to include the rather tedious pieces he wrote when he was about two years old and, of course, you insist on reading out the crude letters he apparently wrote without removing the obnoxious lavatory humour you claim he exhibited. Never mind, all great people have feet of clay and a true exposition of Mozart shouldn't be too obsequious. I also wish to make the following important point: much that I love Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik , I feel that broadcasting it four times on the same day is verging on trying to induce an aversion reaction in people. Surley that isn't your intention. Please could you widen the choice and maybe also broadcast some of his beautiful piano works as well. Many thanks for broadcasting so much wonderful music, for once. Yours fathfully, Daedalus Parrot

Mr Daedalus Parrot                          Rose Cottage                          Lower Numpty                          Numptshire Whoever is in charge of Radio 3 Broadcasting House London W1A 1AA 6th Jan 2011 Dear Sir/Madam, I notice with humble appreciation that you decided to implement my recommendation for broadcasting Mozart's piano works today and you have even named today as Piano Day. Bravo. Some of his piano pieces are works of perfection that would tap into the innards of anyone, even souless socialists, and render them into a a state of good humoured serenity. This is precisely the beneift to humanity that people like you should continue to strive for and for which, I wish to remind you, Lord Reith created the BBC. Please continue in this vein and try to avoid those nasty atonal Schoenberg and Stockhasen "works" which are of no use to humanity apart from inducing suicide. Just to remind you; now that you acknowledge what an excellent idea my piano day was, please take heed of my other advice and try to decrease the number of times you brioadcasrt Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, I think I heard it for the fifth time today. Yours faithfully, Daedalus Parrot.

Mr Daedalus Parrot                          Rose Cottage                          Lower Numpty                          Numptshire Director of Radio 3 Broadcasting House London W1A 1AA 8th Jan 2011 Sir, I wish to demonstrate my continuing good will towards Radio 3 by reiterating my heartfelt gratitude for your excellent Mozart series on Radio3. It is quite amazing how widely appreciated Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is across our planet, even after more than 200 years. I wonder if someone such as yourself will leave such a bequest to humanity? Doubtless you are another too well paid left leaning quangocrat with a pension that would be the envy of the greediest banker, I also suspect you would leave no lasting non-financial bequest after your demise, especially if you continue your policy of broadcasting Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik over and over AND OVER again! I have written to you before about this and, much that I love that work by Mozart, it is becoming seriously annoying to hear it on Radio 3 so many times every day. Please try to vary your content a bit. Many thanks for your time. Yours, Daedalus Parrot.

Mr Daedalus Parrot                          Rose Cottage                          Lower Numpty                          Numptshire Director of Radio 3 Broadcasting House London W1A 1AA 9th Jan 2011 Dear Sir/Madam, Once again thanks for broadcasting Mozart's operas, wonderful stuff. His soprano arias are as near to perfection as one can get. However, I think you know why I have written so soon after my last letter: Eine Blimming Kleine Nachtmusik AGAIN last night! Please get a grip and try to play other Mozart works. Yours, Daedalus Parrot.

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