Monday 24 January 2011


Wikileaks have released a set of transcripts of the infamous phone hacking conversations.

Sources say that these files were found on a train by a cleaner after being left there by a GCHQ employee and that they were in turn illegally obtained by MI6 agents from a rogue cell of typists from the Womens' Institute who illegally typed up transcriptions of tapes that were illegally stolen by undercover ACPO police sex-therapists who obtained them from illegal private detectives from the Press Complaints Commission who were illegally investigating News of the World readers who illegally had an IQ above 12.

What we have here is a serious case of illegal alphabetti spaghetti:GCHQ,MI6,WI,PCC,NOTW,IQ

Never mind that, what now follows is some of those illegal transcripts. DO NOT READ ANY OF THESE TRANSCRIPTS, OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE SUED by a bunch of useless venal self-serving treacherous politicians and lawyers.


Messages left on GB's phone

Fri 13-Jun-1997
"Mr Brown, This is Sarah Macaulay. I am just replying to your advert in "Politico Trophy Wife Mart Weekly" wherein you expressed a desire to employ a nice, younger gel to be a pretend wifey and to breed some vote-getting children with. I wish to discuss terms with you and wonder if you and your lawyer would be free to meet me and my lawyer tomorrow. The terms looked particularly attractive, especially the bit about becoming party friends with Kate Moss and Nelson Mandela, I think he is soo cool. Yours sincerely, Sarah. Oh this voice mail thing is so awkw...."

Thu 20-May-2004
"Gordy Boy, how ya doin? Berny Madoff here. New York's looking lovely this time a year, ya gotta come visit. Hey look Gordy Baby, I needs some more dosh, I needs it sooo badly. D'ya wanna know WHY? I'll tell YA!! I just know yer gonna love this sweet, SWEET DEAL I got going!!! It'll make yer a zillionaire baby, it can't fail, IT JUST CANNOT FAIL. But, hey, ya gotta get in on this sweet deal NOW baby, get on now before it goes to these other guys. Just send me some more of that lovely gold bullion you sent me last year from your gold vaults and YOU and YOUR FAMILY are made for life baby! Would I ever lie to you? Ciao."

Messages left on Ed's phone

Mon 11-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. I notice you looked a bit peeky on the telly today. Let me make you some lovely chicken broth."

Tue 12-Feb-2008
"Edikins, darling, I'm in Asda getting the ingredients for your chicken broth. I noticed they had a special offer on woolly undies so I've bought you 10 pairs to keep you warm. I'll pop round with the broth and undies later today."

Tue 12-Feb-2008
"Edikins, darling, this is Mum. Er... I tried to bring round the chicken broth but unfortunately the protection police officer on your doorstep asked me questions and when I refused to give him grandma Ethel's broth recipe he arrested me under some preventing terror act thingy. I'm phoning from the police station, can you come and have a word with them for me darlikins?"

Wed 13-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. You still haven't got back to me. Although the police protection officer was a very nice young man, he refused to believe I wasn't a terrorist. They very kindly drove me to a tiny airport in the middle of nowhere and they said I was being given a free flight on CIA airways to a place called Rendition. Hopefully it will be nice and sunny."

Thu 14-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. This place is terrible, I've been locked up in a tiny, grubby and badly lit waiting lounge and there are these two sour faced men sitting across the table from me. Honestly, they are so rude, uncouth, smell of BO and have this obsessive gimlet-eyed look, they keep going on and on about the broth I made. Edikins, they're just like that bunch of Troskyists your late Dad kept bringing home for his discussions, and they're just as tiresome. I told them, "What kind of a girl do you think I am? Would you give away YOUR Gran's secret chicken broth recipe?" They got a bit flustered, anyway I'm going to have my nap now, that'll annoy them, just like it annoyed your Dad's chums."

Fri 15-Feb-2008
"Ed, Mum here. Well at long last, those grumpy men left me, maybe they had to get their flights, they went away muttering about something or other being worse than the Taliban. Anyway a very nice young officer put me on a connecting flight to a very nice sunny resort in Cuba. This is a lovely place Eddy dear. None of that miserable British weather, regular meals and exercises and everyone wears these lovely orange jump suits. Very chic they are."

Messages left on Tone's phone

Wed 14-Nov-2001
"George, this is Tony, er Tony Blair. You remember we were playing that cool boardgame last week at some leaders' summit or other? Doncha just love the activities they lay on at these summits, no dreary leader stuff to do, just loadsa fun times; board games, chats n stuff. Well I was wondering, by the way how is that lovely wife of yours, Cherry got on so well with her ... hang on a minute ... Alistair what do you want now. Don't interrupt us ... what do you mean I've dialled the wrong number, look it says "The Cool Leader" on the phone, ... oh of course silly me ... I'm dialling myself. What's George Bush's number again?"

Messages left on George's phone

Wed 14-Nov-2001
"George, Tone here, how ya doing. Good to meet you the other week. I really enjoyed that Risk boardgame we played in your hotel, those little plastic tanks and bombers looked so realistic. Er, ... actually, ... I'm phoning about that game thing we were playing. Alistair tells me that it wasn't a game but was a "Combat Reality Scenario Tool" and that it, hee hee, actually means that we will be invading half of the middle east in the next few years."

"Look, er look, George, er , I thought it was only a bit of innocent fun, I didn't realise you were taking it all so seriously ... look I'm a compassionate kinda guy I don't want to go round the planet killing relatives of my voters."

"Is there any way we can rewind this thing?"

Thu 15-Nov-2001
"George, Tone here. I've just remembered that this war game thingy showed a lot of other plastic pieces representing oil revenues, loads of international posturing, lucrative lecture circuits and a Congresional Medal of Honour."

Look if it is ACTUALLY real, could we just play the bit of the game where I , er, I hate to ask, but could I have some of those lucrative bits if we invade just a tiny bit and don't kill anyone related to my voters?"

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