Wednesday, 2 June 2010
HISTORY IN THE MAKING Pt1 - The First Coalition Prime Minister's Questions
Squawked at: 17:10:00
The following is an approximate transcript from today's Prime Minister's questions. It is the first PMQs held by the Cami-Knicker Coalition:
SNEAKER BERCOW - Order, order. The Prime Minister.
CAMERON - Mr Sneaker, before I answer any questions, I ask that the house pay their respects to the following who lost so much in enemy actions since the last parliament:
Jacquie Smiff, Third Warwickshire Troughers
Alistair Darling, Fifth House Flippers,
Elliot Morley, Royal Welching Fake Mortgagees
David Chaytor, Coldstream Blackguards
Hazel Blears, CGT Avoidance Regiment
Baronness Uddin, Royal Expense Engineers and Fabricators
Lord Truscott, East Anglian Corrupt Scumbags
Margaret Moran, Southampton Phantom Homemakers
Douglas Hogg, Honourable Moat Squadron,
Diddy Alan Duncan, Household Gardening Division (Uphill)
Davd Cameron, Wisteria and Second Home Spongers
Nick Clegg, Light Footed Hypocrites
... (continues reading from the list of troughers and liars from the Telegraph Book Of Crooked MPs )
and lastly, David Laws, although spin doctors expect a rapid recovery.
SNEAKER BERCOW - Mr Clegg
CLEGGY - Will the Prime Minster agree with me that we are all lovely, saintly MPs and that we must encourage more skilled, honest and hardworking people to take up this hard job of ours. Will he therefore agree that this can be achieved by increasing all of our pay and expenses immediately.
CAMERON - Mr Sneaker, I quite agree with the honourable gentleman and indeed we are drafting a bill which will double our pay and expenses and also grant us a "Telegraph" bonus to compensate us for the many months of misery caused by that disgraceful newspaper. The Coalition cabinet feel that such a move would boost morale throughout the country, especially amongst the honest, hardworking taxpayers.
BERCOW - Mr Laws.
LAWS - Can I have my job back yet?
CLEGGY - No. I have a huge repsect for my extremely honourable friend, who is well regarded for his huge amounts of integrity and cash. However he must realise that he was caught out good and proper by the Telegraph and so must be seen to be punished in the same way as a taxpayer oik would be.
LAWS - Ooh er.
BERCOW - Mr Harman.
HARMAN - Will the Prime Minister please state how many people of a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, blairosexual and prescott-asexual nature have been appointed to his new cabinet?
CAMERON - We are certain that the numbers of such people are along the same lines as her own previous cabinet. The honourable lady need not fear that we will let any normal people into the cabinet. Why, just last week we took extra measures to appoint more public school and oxbridge MPs to the cabinet, most of whom fall into the categories you mentioned.
The honourable lady will also be pleased to hear that we will refuse to appoint any of those ghastly oiks from grammar schools or who have exposure to life outside of politics.
HARMAN - That is good news, thank you Prime Minister.
BERCOW - Mr Laws.
LAWS - Can I have my job back yet, pretty pleeeease?
CLEGGY - No. My honourable friend must realise that the gay mafia are still screaming about homophobia. Letting you back in now will only give the voters the jitters about there being a gay mafia, so we must wait a for a considerable period of time before making such a decision.
LAWS - Oh.
SNEAKER BERCOW - Mr Milliband
ED AND DAVE - Blah blah blah wonkspeak blah blah fnnaar blah blah fzzzzz msssssss jjjjjjjjjj blah blah shshshgggg jjjjl blah blah blah blah and furthermore, blah blah wonkspeak blah blah fnnaar blah blah fzzzzz msssssss jjjjjjjjjj blah blah shshshgggg jjjjl blah blah blah blah.
CAMERON - Mr Sneaker, the honourable gentlemen do not know what they are saying, and neither do we.
SNEAKER BERCOW - Mr Corbyn.
CORBYN - Will my fellow socialists in the tory and lib dem benches opposite join me in furiously denouncing all of the fascist bigots who hold outrageous mild views on immigration.
CAMERON - Mr Sneaker it is well known that normal people throughout this country harbour sickeningly mild views against mass immigration and they just show how out of touch they are with the reality in the Westminster bubble. All of us in the House must have watched in horror as our poor ex-Prime Minister was ambushed by that monstrous bigot Gillian Duffy with her appalling common attitudes.
I ask that all in the House join me in expressing our deepest sympathy to Gordon Brown.
We do propose to stamp out this vile thinking by introducing the following measures:
- by increasing Nulabour's mass immigration quotas
- by making more jobs unavailable to those already born here
- by banning use of he word "immigration" outside Westminster and making it punishable under the anti-terror acts.
CORBYN - Praise Lenin, thank you comrade.
LAWS - Can I have my job back yet?
CLEGGY - No, a decent period of reflection must be undertaken before such a move would be acceptable. Will lunchtime tomorrow be OK?
LAWS - Yep, suits me squire.
BERCOW - Mr Darling.
DARLING - Thank you Mr Sneaker. Will the new Prime Minister please join me in thanking the last chancellor who, between 2008 and 2010, showed great courage, ingenuity, forsight and dedication in creating the world's most successful economy.
CAMERON - Mr Sneaker, the honourable gentleman implemented some disastrous and comical economic policies. We applaud his work in this area and, as he will see, we propose continuing his ruinous policies and we will implement tiny cosmetic adjustments that will continue to increase our debt by £150 billion per year.
DARLING - Brilliant, thank you.
CAMERON - Darling, do you fancy coming round to No.10 for drinks later?
DARLING - Why, Prime Minister, yes I'd be delighted.
CAMERON - No, not you! I was talking to Cleggy.