Better phone Tone!

Want to start an illegal war?
    Ya better phone Tone!    

Need a Hacking-Gate exit strategy?
      I'm your guy!
   
Want the Middle East peace process stymied? 
    Hey, get in touch with your friend Tone, the world's ONLY Middle East
    Ambassador with negotiable rates.

Want clandestine support for your despotic North African or ex-Soviet regime? 
    I'm just one phone call away 24/7, hey while I'm at it I'll even throw in
    some advice on how your son can fake his degree. 

Tired of your Australian-born media mogul husband?
    Hey, my cute butt's all yours lady!
   
Interested in some cottaging experiences in mens' rooms?
    Hey, my cute butt's all yours baby!

I'm your one-stop shop for all your illegal needs.

______________________________________________________________________

Hey out there, ya gotta problem that's really bugging you?  Well look NO further, cos this is your day of deliverance.  I'm the guy that can fix it for you.  Tone Blair for Life Repair.   No problem is too small for me and my guys to fix.   Hey, I'm so good they made me THE Middle East Ambassador, how many low grade lawyers can claim that eh?

Not only are you in the presence of a great guy but I'm one of THE highest paid hombres on the international jet-setting lecture circuits.  Mahatma Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, hey I'm richer than all those guys put together and ya gotta admit it, I'm almost as saintly as them too, eh?

Did I tell ya how rich I am?  Why, did you know that I started out with just ONE, yes ONE, home in North London, and look at me now! I've got a property portfolio richer than the budgets of most countries.  Hey way to go.

So let me tell you more about Tone Blair and Associates.  Me and the guys have got loadsa experience in stitching things and even people up, we got ideas even Einstein never thought up, and at the end of the day don't forget our contacts list, the richest fellas on this planet and the best spy agencies would do anything for a peek at my address book.

So let's meet some of my guys, here's Mad Al Campbell, he and his media thugs will disappear any inconvenient story or prominent figure that is bugging you.  If ya want some palms oiled (if ya know what I mean!) then meeet Peter Mandelslime, he knows so many top guys in governments and pan-governmental bodies, he'll get any sweet deal done the quickest way for you, preferably on a millionaire's yacht somewhere.  Hey! This guy's a Lord for chrissake, no kidding!

You want a problem fixed?  Get it done right by Tone.  Tone Blair for your life's repair.

Ciao for now.


Tone's Legal Casebook

Some satisfied clients of Tone Blair and Associates include:
   
George W. Bush
Wars started anywhere, anytime, fake intelligence provided, any objectors bought off or politically smeared.  Sweet.       

        blair-allies-deny-dupe-charge
       
Rupert Murdoch
Gave this dude and his cartel unparallelled access to the UK markets.

        tony-blair-murdoch-family-fold
   
Many Rich Guys
Peerages and honours dished out indiscriminately.
   
Rebekah Brooks
Provided this doll with an exit strategy from her Hacking-gate legal problems.

        phone-hacking-trial-tony-blair-3161799
   
Muammur Gaddafi and son
The complete package, prevented this bad ass camel jockey from facing terrorism and muder charges over some Lockerbie bomb and the shooting of a female cop in London. Hey, this guy lived it up for 30 years without facing any problems.  Dunno where he is now.  I threw in some free advice to his son on how to fake a degree.

        Tony-Blair-helped-Colonel-Gaddafi-in-1bn-legal-row.html

        Tony-Blairs-six-secret-visits-to-Col-Gaddafi.html

        Blairs-government-tried-to-get-Oxford-place-for-Saif-Gaddafi.html

        Gaddafi-sons-given-help-dodgy-PhD
   
Wendy Deng (ex-wife of Rupert Murdoch)
Don't ask!
   
British Labour Party
Hey, I delivered my deluxe service for this gang. Yours truly helped this outfit put one over on a bunch of schmuck losers called the British Taxpayers.  Boy, did we screw these guys up big time, heh!

Syria's Assad, Egypt's Mubarak, that guy who runs Kazakhstan and strong leaders everywhere.
Look, these are lonely, misunderstood guys.  These strong leaders, or "dictators" as those weaker than them mislabel them as, are only doing their best, for their families and their countries' wealth.

I feel for these guys, I understand their pain, their strong desires. Thankfully these leaders had the good sense to employ the services of none other than good ol' Tone.  See my photo album below.
 
        Britain-considered-knighthood-for-syrias-assad-in-2002-report

        Blair-accused-familys-free-Egyptian-holiday

        Tony-blair-mubarak-is-courageous-force-for-good-egypt

        Oil-rich-dictator-of-Kazakhstan-recruits-Tony-Blair-to-help-win-Nobel-peace-prize



Tone's Photo Album

Cameron Letter: Dear Nation, You’re all loons and we’re so cool

LETTER FROM THE PRIME MINISTER, THE RT.HON.DAVID CAMERON, TO THE NATION


Dear Swivel eyed loons, closet racists, fruitcakes, bigots, homophobes, NIMBYs, BANANAs, NUMBPYDs * and other taxpayers,

As you all realise, my carefully selected metrosexual inner circle of school chums and tennis partners and I are absolutely right in everything we do and we feel intensely relaxed about our decision to roll out an ambitious, nationwide programme of name-calling and offence-giving.

As I have said before, “We are all in this together”. What this actually means is quite simple. On the one hand you unposh and poor people are “in this”, meaning in a big pile of doo doo and consequently have to suffer the pain of higher taxes, pay freezes, failing pensions, job losses, higher living costs, mass immigration and failing public services.

Meanwhile, we of the gilded classes in the Political/Intergovernmental/Media/Public Services sectors (PIMPS) will continue to get pay increases, lavish expenses, generous pensions, job security and/or guarantee of reemployment. We of course are the “together” part of that phrase by which of course I mean that we are together in our enjoyment of these advantages that you idiot taxpayers provide for us.

But, of course, this is insufficient for our modern 21st century politics, so we have decided to add to your pain by insulting most of you, especially those who actually contribute to society.

Our nudge-units and policy wonks have used all of the expensive, specialised training that they received at public school or from their Marxist lecturers on their Politics, Philosophy and Economics courses to construct and deliver an impressive series of insults to you all.

We are hurling verbal insults at you, insulting your sensibilities by imposing eye-wateringly mad policies and insulting your intelligence by everything we do and say.

This is the right thing to do and I am confident that you will remember this and thank us at the next election.


Yours sincerely,


David Cameron


* NIMBY = Not in My Back Yard
   BANANA = Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anything
   NUMBPYD = Not Up My Back Passage You Don’t

Towering Intellects from BBC and LSE Involved in Brawl

"We demand our right to use human shields", say BBC brains while LSE geniuses demand right to censor journalists.


A flurry of claims and counter claims filled the airwaves yesterday as the super-human intelligences from the BBC and the London School of Economics clashed over their respective human or inhuman rights.

"Listen, you puny humans" said an intellect at the BBC's Broadcasting House, "you just don't get it. We superior beings demand our alienable right to use anyone as a human shield while we film friendly documentaries about noble North Korean leaders. Any effort to deny us this fundamental right is tantamount to Thatcherite racism, you fascist pig-dog lackeys."

The L.S.E.'s spokes-brain whose I.Q. is 274, gave a press conference from its large cylidrical glass jar and told reporters how this irresponsible act threatened their left-wing hegemony and that it was THEIR job to befriend the left-wing brutal dictators of the world. The spokes-brain went on to say "The world knows that it is our mission to befriend world dictators like Gadaffi and award their sons fake degrees. The BBC should butt out and, furthermore, all you puny human journalists should bow down before us and only publish stories we like."

The BBC is a world renowned news bending organisation and recently gave itself an award for its fearless, in-depth coverage of how Margaret Thatcher wasn't a sports fanatic.

Brian Leveson said "I don't care if a left-leaning news organisation puts students' lives at risk, the most important thing is that the Murdoch press must never publish stories that hurt Hugh Grant's feelings. It is what lives were sacrificed for in two world wars."

Sources:

     "We're always right and must be allowed to risk lives" say BBC - (Independent)
     "No! We're always right and we must censor the news" say LSE - (Guardian)
     Shocking exclusive: BBC paid journalist to say Thatcher not terribly keen on sport - (BBC)
     LSE awarded dubious degree to Gadaffi's son, Blair gave him tuition - (Independent)
     LSE receives £1.5 million from Gadaffi - (Daily Mail)

"You're all a bunch of b*******" rants hate preacher Abu Denis Healey as all politicians vow to deport him

Abu Mustaffa-Tax Denis Healey, the infamous hate preacher was universally condemned last night by leaders of all sensible parties. 95 year old Abu Denis Healey has been accused of delivering foul tirades against poor Ed Miliband and, even worse, of stating how he fancied making Margaret Thatcher one of his wives.

David Cameron, leader of the Lib-Lab-Con party, made a key speech in parliament yesterday promising unequivocally to have Abu Denis Healey deported, if possible, maybe next week. He went on "I feel very strongly as a passionate liberal that this sort of language is quite uncalled for in our modern 21st century, passionately liberal and proudly wishy-washy, metrosexual Britain. People with independent opinions like that make us all feel quite sick. It has to stop and it has to stop now!"

Cleggie simpered "I feel quite hurt he didn't insult me, I think I'll go and open another baby care centre in Bromsgrove.". Nigel Farage, UKIP leader said "Denis is bang out of order with this uncontrolled ranting, that's my job. Who's gonna watch my Youtube speeches now!"

Cameron went on to say "I give you a cast iron promise that this enemy of liberty will be summarily put under house arrest without due legal process, he will be harassed and snooped on by hundreds of staff from the security services without any court order and he will be arrested on spurious charges that won't hold for 5 minutes. This gives a clear message to freedom haters like this everywhere that we are proud to protect of our liberal values of selective fairness and justice."

Abu Denis Healey's main victim, the hapless Ed Miliband who was once a winner of the Mr Wimpiverse contest and appeared in nasal hair spray and Mr Sheen polish adverts before becoming an unrecognised politician, said "This kind of spittle-ridden, left-wing tub thumping is out of character for our party, his vile words shame the good memories of wise and eloquent orators such as George Galloway, Ed Balls, Denis Skinner and John Prescott."

Debt Bomb Terrorism
Abu Denis Healey is reputed to have been Osama brown-Gordon's predecessor as the holder of finances for the notorious terrorist death cult, N'hu l'abour. Victims of his terrorist atrocities in the 1970s recall with horror how he made their "pips squeak".

In a famous televised speech made by Abu Denis Healey in the 1970s, he claimed to have ended boom and bust, sorry, he claimed the pound in his pocket wasn't worth a fly's fart or something like that. Anyway, what followed showed an uncanny similarity to Osama brown-Gordon's infamous terrorist debt bombs that were indiscriminately unleashed on Britain in the 2000s.

One of Denis Healey's greatest terror acts was his budget of 1974 that saw the destruction of 83% of people's earnings. Over the next years the accumulated destruction from Dennis Healey's inflationary explosions was so great that the International Monetary Fund had to send in rescue forces to bale out a humiliated Britain in 1976. And this of course later led on to the Winter of Discontent in 1979.

Zimmer-framists Threat
Abu Denis Healey is also considered by many to be Osama brown-Gordon's ambassador to the secretive zimmer-framist communities in Britain. Some fear that the segregationist attitudes of the zimmer-framed causes friction in society.

Many selfless staff in the public sector fight tirelessly to protect us from the untold harm that the zimmer-framists could unleash on us. Hard-working professionals in the NHS bravely kill zimmer-framists off in the thousands by ignoring them in hospital and refusing to give them food and water. These noble goldplated-pensioned NHS managers also devise ingenious weapons of mass destruction such as the Liverpool Care Pathway to obliterate their enemies.

Other brave workers from the civil service and from the green political arena, and it has to be said greatly enhanced by Miliband's loony Climate Change Act, have cunningly increased the price of energy by so much green taxes during these record-breaking cold spells that thousands more of the zimmer-framists are being killed off because of energy poverty.

Living in his multi-million pound terrorist training ranch in Sussex, paid for by taxpayers from his dubious MP benefits, Abu Denis Healey can often be seen in his front garden shaking his walking stick at passers by and spouting foam-flecked abuse at innocent politicians of all three genders.



      References
      New Statesman - Denis Healey - UKIP Bastards, Miliband no charisma, Maggie is hot stuff
      Anna Raccoon blog - Where are they now: Osama brown-Gordon
      BBC - Denis Healey making their "pips squeak"
      Guardian - Budgets including 1974's 83% tax rate

"YOU'RE A NASTY PIECE OF WORK, AREN'T YOU?" - THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS.

It is an unexplained mystery that many hard-hitting interviews by Eddie Mair with left of centre politicians have disappeared from the unbiased BBC's archives.

After much painstaking archeological research, a few fragments of these interviews have been recovered. We proudly present them here in order to give credence to the myth, sorry fact, that BBC journalists are not vindictive, left-leaning lackies.




THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    ZILLIONAIRE TONY BLAIR

EDDIE MAIR:
You were the first serving Prime Minister to be interviewed by the police. Not once, but three times.

Under your premiership, your administration was rocked by unprecedented scandals over cash-for-honours and MP expense frauds.

You were accused by one of your researchers, Andrew Neather, of actively implementing the policy of mass immigration whilst publicly denying it at the time. This has been said to have created overcrowding in schools and hospitals, unaffordable, huge house prices and the cause of much friction within society.

You actively promoted the case for the Iraq war based on known lies and half truths. Some say that without your active support and the carefully crafted propaganda that you, Alistair Campbell and John Scarlett (later promoted) created, the Iraq war would not have been waged and a peace settlement could have been made.

You have made vast fortunes from the American lecture circuits and from directorships of US banks, all thanks to your war crimes. This blood money has helped you and your acquisitive, shop-lifting, fare-dodging, over-lenient magistrate of a wife amass a huge multi-million pound property portfolio.

Do you sleep at night knowing that you are responsible for hundreds of thousands of unnecessary deaths that are still occurring now?

You're nasty pieces of work, the pair of you, aren't you?

       New York Times - Blair questioned by police
       Sky - Labour encouraged mass immigration to UK
       Max Hastings - If scintilla decency Tony Blair Alastair Campbell John Scarlett faces public again
       Guardian - bounty-blair-war-criminal-chilcot       Telegraph - Has Cherie Blair no shame I think we know the answer to that
       Guardian - Cherie Blair, fare dodger
       Independent - Results-of-cherie-blair-inquiry-were-covered-up


THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    HIGH STEWARD OF HULL PETER MANDELSON

EDDIE MAIR:
Mr Mandelson, I put it to you that not only were you caught lying twice, but you did so while you were a Minister of the Crown.

On one of those occasions, the lie was to cover up your actions in giving an unauthorised British passport to a millionaire Labour party donor.

You are loathed by most in your own party and you were considered a rank hypocrite when you betrayed your labour roots by shamelessly pursuing the lifestyle of an oligarch and accepting a place in the House of Lords.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

       Guardian - Mandelson loan scandal
       BBC - Mandelson and the Hinduja brothers
       Guardian - Guardian - Glassy eyed Mandelson: Labour, man and boy
       Littlejohn - Peter Mandelson: "This time next year Reinaldo we'll be billionaires"



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    CLEGGIE

EDDIE MAIR:
Cleggie, You famously claimed to support low student fees and then, months later when the smell of coalition power was in your nostrils, you let those students down by raising tuition fees by a factor of 300% to £9,000.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    JOHN PRESCOTT

EDDIE MAIR:
You maintained an affair with one of your subordinates, throughout which you very likely told many lies to those around you. I wonder, was she coerced into that affair? You formed many liaisons with your mistress during work time, whilst taxpayers were still working to fund your indulgent lifestyle.

You betrayed your Labour roots by not only playing croquet on a posh lawn of your state-supplied mansion (during working hours) but you didn't really seem to care about being photographed.

Your incompetent "Pathfinder" housing schemes destroyed row upon row of viable housing stock, much of which now forms "Prescott" wastelands in the North.

You betrayed the taxpayers, you betrayed your wife, and you betrayed your old-fashioned, hard working Labour supporters.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

       Guardian - Prescott two year affair
       BBC - Prescott, croquet
       Money Week - How John Prescott wasted 22bn
       Express - John Prescott has left us in slums



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    MICHAEL MARTIN

EDDIE MAIR:
You brought the position of speaker of the House of Commons into disrepute, you became known as an ignorant, inarticulate bully and, later, a figure of fun.

You and your wife hoovered up expenses and the lavish Speaker lifestyle like there was no tomorrow.

You sacked civil servants for the crime of being too "posh".

You spent £100,000 of taxpayers money on a soviet-style clampdown on any exposure of the crooked MPs' expenses frauds.

You presided over a regime of biased, political thuggery that saw its zenith when you encouraged police to arrest Damian Green purely for doing what all opposition MPs should be doing.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

       Irish Independent - Undignified-downfall-of-a-bullyboy-speaker
       Guardian - Sacked by Michael Martin for being posh
       Daily Mail - Speaker-Michael-Martin-condemned-120-000-taxpayer-funded-legal-bid-MPs-expenses-secret
       Guardian - Michael Martin - Damian Green



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    DAEDALUS X. PARROT

EDDIE MAIR:
You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

DAEDALUS X. PARROT:
I have no time for Boris Johnson and I regard him as a two-faced, selfish politician, pretending to be a buffoon in order to cover up the fact that he really is a buffoon.

But I find it the height of nastiness and hypocrisy when you and your colleagues habitually show a blatant bias against centre right politicians while simultaneously showing a casual, cooperative attitude to left wing politicians.

If you regard the likes of Blair, Mandelson, Prescott, and Martin as not being nasty pieces of work, then I am proud to be so accused by you.

Nick Clegg Phone-In

The Nick Clegg Phone-In, live on LBC 97.3 FM

NICK CLEGG: Hello, this is the Nick Clegg phone in. What have you got to say caller. Er, is that Chris from Westminster?

CALLER 1: CHRISTINE RENNARD OF WESTMINSTER: No Nick this is, er, Christine, my voice is a bit hoarse. Don't you agree that it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only 21st century party that supports the inalienable right of every portly gentleman over 50 to lovingly grope, I mean caress, us young females, especially when they work for me, I mean for you?

NICK CLEGG: Well Christine, of course the Lib Dems are right to support all such gestures of affection, but only so long as the lady concerned can be bullied, promoted or paid off and if the gentleman concerned is not a Conservative. By the way your voice sounds suspiciously like a Lord I know, are you sure you are a lady?

CALLER 2: MIKE HANCOCK: Hi Nick, I'm Mike Hancock C.B.E., the harworking Lib Dem MP for Portsmouth South. I agree completely with the last caller. In fact, I was only saying to my attractive 19 year old Russian assistant the other day, "Isn't it wonderful that you never shop me for indulging in such acts of affection.".

CALLER 3: MARK OF OATEN: Hi Nick, thanks for letting me speak, first time caller. Don't you agree that it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only modern and accountable party to support the right of every decent man to lovingly engage in unspeakable 3-in-a-bed acts with rent boys and to promote the teaching of such in schools?

NICK CLEGG: Mark, you are of course right,the Lib Dems are the only party to support such individuals but we are confident that our coalition partners the Conservatives are moving that way as well.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller, Nick Clegg here.

CALLER 4: PADDY FROM PANTSDOWN: Hi Nick, good of me to speak to you. You agree with me, of course, that it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only democratic party to support the right of every decent man to engage in affectionate pantsdown activities with women who are not their wives. And finally, when are ya goin to let me give that lovely wife of yours a good...

NICK CLEGG: I think Paddy got cut off there, but, yes Paddy, only reactionary dinosaurs believe in these ghastly Victorian marriage vows. We and our coalition partners are successfully trying to destroy the institution of marriage.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller, Nick Clegg here.

CALLER 5: CHRIS H.: Hi Nick, it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only party to support the right of every decent man to affectionately coerce their wives to take their speeding points for them.

NICK CLEGG: Yes Chris, being a modern party, we strongly support the right of every Lib Dem MP to ignore any laws they don't like. But this can only happen in a fair and accountable society if the little people below us obey those same laws to prevent anarchy and also if they give us more of their pay to keep us in the democratic, subsidised life styles we deserve.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller what have you got to say.

CALLER 6: JEREMY THORPE: Nick, isn't it shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only gay-friendly party that supports the loving acts of attempted assassination between one loving consensual male and another in a consensual way?

NICK CLEGG: Yes, the Lib Dems are the only party loony enough to believe this.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller Nick Clegg here.

CALLER 7: DAVID LAWS: Hello Nick, I feel it is shocking and distressing that more MPs are not allowed to lovingly rob the taxpayer via fraudulent expenses claims and then lovingly give it to their landlord boyfriend.

NICK CLEGG: David you are right but the Lib Dems and the Conservatives have demonstrated how progressive they are by allowing such people to go unpunished and even promoting them to high office.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller you're through to Nick Clegg.

CALLER 8: P.C.PLOD: Is it the case that you did knowingly conspire in the procurement of young and impressionable, silly girls and did knowingly allow them to be coerced into situations of sexual exploitation by an over-aged multiple chinned deviant?

NICK CLEGG: Yes, that is Lib Dem policy. Also, we strongly condemn self-appointed detectives in the press who notice this and hopefully they will be locked up when our Leveson proposals become law.

CALLER 8: P.C.PLOD: OK sunshine, get yer trousers on, you're nicked.

The Euro as a Farmyard Parable

(also called Mutual Fiscal Destruction)

Each country in the EU agrees to donate their cows to a new joint Euro Herd in a specially ring fenced Euro Field.

Countries like Germany nurture their part of the Euro Herd very well and it prospers and yields high levels of good quality milk. One or two countries, like Britain, decide not to join the Euro Herd and keep their own cows in their own field.

Other countries though, such as Portugal, Ireland, Greece and Spain (the PIGS) only occasionally look in on their part of the Euro Herd and generally neglect them. One day a PIG discovers the dead carcasses of their cows as a horrid flattened mess. They ask for emergency cow loans and, reluctantly, the other Euro Herd members agree on condition that the PIGS take better care of their cows.

For some inexplicable reason Britain, which has to borrow money every year to support its own cows, borrows even more money to buy cows to lend to the PIGS.

A few days later one of the PIGS, who had nothing else better to do, happens to look in on his herd and discovers to his astonishment that his part of the Euro Field is a bloody, mangled mess of squashed cows. The PIGS again demand help from the Euro Herd members. Again they receive help on condition that they improve their cow husbandry.

To the astonishment of impartial observers, Britain, which has absolutely no obligation to do so, borrows even more money to increase its already eye-watering, record breaking debt just so it can buy more cows to lend to the PIGS.

What these Euro Herd owners and Britain refuse to acknowledge however is that every evening one of the PIGS leads a huge elephant into the Euro Field. This elephant usually lives in their front room during the day. Over night, as the elephant tramps around the PIGS part of the field, it accidentally flattens all of their cows.

The big elephant in the PIGS’s room has a name and it is tattooed on its side in huge two foot high red letters, it is called Irresponsible National Debt.



This was posted in response to an excellent rewrite of the Two Cows Capitalism joke by SadButMadLad at Anna Raccoon.

British Government Debt - A Simple Guide

It appears that various people like the trade unions, public sector fat cats, the BBC, most of the senior politicians from Labour, the Conservatives and the Lib Dems, oh and normal people under the age of 12, don't understand what a debt is.

Here is a simple guide for these simple folk:

Case 1.

Mr. X (A hypothetical person.)

		Annual Income 2010:	£25,000
		Annual Expenditure 2010:	£32,000 (129% of income)
		Borrowing for 2010:	£6,400 (25% of income)
		Existing debt:	£215,000 (approx 8 times income)
		Does the borrowing buy sellable assets?:	NO
		Other information:	This person gives away £360 to a foreign club that he gains no benefit from. This same club also imposes petty rules on him that prevent him from earning a further £4500 per year. This man also gives away £350 per year to strangers he doesn't know, to people he knows are crooks or to people who are richer than him.
		Verdict:	This man is a nutter, for god's sake, someone take him to an accountant or get him sectioned in an asylum.

Case 2.

British Public Sector

		Annual Income 2010:	£549 billion (Taxes etc.)
		Annual Expenditure 2010:	£710 billion (129% of income)
		Borrowing for 2010:	£141 billion (25% of income)
		Existing debt	£4,771 billion (approx 8 times income)
		Does the borrowing buy sellable assets?	NO
		Other information:	This government gives away £8 billion to the EU foreign club that it gains no benefit from. This same EU club also imposes petty rules on the British economy that prevent it from earning a further £100 billion per year. The British government also gives away several billion pounds per year to strange countries that it has nothing in common with, to countries with crooked leaders who stash the money in Swiss bank accounts or to countries who are richer than Britain and have their own space programmes and working aircraft carriers.
		Verdict (From a sane person):	This government is mad and needs to be replaced immediately with sensible financially-literate people.
		Verdict (From the three main parties, trade unions, BBC, etc.):	"This is good and sustainable, if you do anything else, like, ooh let's say do some budget cutting, then you are mad or an evil baby killer or both."

The above image © copyright The Tax Payers' Alliance


SOURCES

Government Annual Income

	H.M.Treasury - Public finances data bank spreadsheet – `ASheet C1, cell B51 - Receipts 2010/11 = £548.5 billion
	http://www.hm-treasury.gov.uk/d/public_finances_databank.xls

Government Annual Spending

	H.M.Treasury - Puiblic Finances data Bank Spreadsheet – Sheet B1, cell E50 - Total expenditure 2010/11 = £710.4 billion
	http://www.hm-treasury.gov.uk/d/public_finances_databank.xls

Government Annual Borrowing

	H.M.Treasury - Public Sector Finances Bulletin, March 2011 – Page 1 - Borrowing for 2010/2011 is £141.1 billion
	http://cdn.hm-treasury.gov.uk/2011budget_complete.pdf

Existing Government Debt - Median estimate

	Institute of Economic Affairs (IEA) - UK's true national debt £4.771 trillion, 14-Jun-2010 - Page 13
	http://www.iea.org.uk/in-the-media/press-release/uks-true-national-debt-%C2%A348-trillion

Existing Government Debt - Upper estimate

	Real national debt is £7,900 billion (£7.873 trillion), according to TaxPayers’ Alliance calculations
	http://www.taxpayersalliance.com/home/2010/10/new-tpa-research-the-real-national-debt-a-decade-of-reckless-growth.html
	Click “Click here to read the full report” which leads to: http://www.taxpayersalliance.com/realdebt.pdf

Other spending

	Government pension liabilities for the next 40 years
	http://statistics.dwp.gov.uk/asd/asd4/index.php?page=long_term Click LT3 which leads to: http://statistics.dwp.gov.uk/asd/asd4/LT3.xls
	D.F.I.D. - DFID Business Plan 2011-2015 - Page 21 - DFID planned expenditure for 2010/2011 is £7.81 billion
	http://www.dfid.gov.uk/Documents/DFID-business-plan.pdf

WHERE ARE THEY NOW? - No.274 - Osama Brown-Gordon

Forensic computer reconstructions of what renegade Osama brown-Gordon might look like now.

It is almost a year since anyone, especially from the coalition forces, has had any direct contact with the terrorist mastermind Osama brown-Gordon.

The effects of his insane acts of terror are still with us everywhere. We, our children and our grandchildren seem doomed to suffer decades of stringent emergency countermeasures in order to repair the damage that he and his crazed Fabian TaLibour fanatics have caused.

It is hard to imagine what relatively innocent and carefree lives we led before his terror death cult infected our country.

Nearly every day we hear of another British casualty who has been harmed by the improvised economic devices (IEDs) that his fanatical TaLibour followers have planted. These highly explosive and destructive devices were cleverly assembled in Fabian bunkers in the think-tank madrassas of Westminsterland. It is estimated that hundreds more of these devices are still hidden in the fabric of our quangos, obscure Fabian legislation, public sector pension and pay schemes and private finance initiatives. Analysts say these are set to release their destructive forces for the foreseeable future.

One of the senior fanatics who assisted brown-Gordon in his atrocities was the accomplished deceiver and thug, Moham-Ed Balls. This mad-eyed zealot was the architect of many of the destructive devices unleashed by brown-Gordon. Coalition forces have detected his fingerprints at many disaster sites in the country.

Another who ranked highly in brown-Gordon's terror death cult was Moham-Ed Miliband. He was the fanatic TaLibour ayatollah of Global Warming before Britanistan was liberated by the coalition. He created many lunatic global warming fatwahs that are still costing this country billions and will cause many deaths amongst the vulnerable from fuel poverty.

Some sources suspect most of the Britanistan civil servants and even members of the new Khameron regime are actually secret TaLibour supporters and fifth columnists. Many point to the mullahs Vyns Khable, Kriss Hoon and Khen Klark whose religiously inspired anti-business, loony green and pro-criminal policies are ignoring common sense and science and will doom most families to primitive and persecuted lives.

This is just a glimpse of brown-Gordon's legacy, however, what about the elusive terrorist himself? What do we know about him and what has happened to him since his war on the west started?

Osama brown-Gordon was born to fervently religious parents in Saudi Scotrabia and he learnt his brand of wahabist socialism at their feet while his mullah father held prayers for the local faithful.

The bleak and barren mountainous region in which he was raised was notorious for producing many ranting preachers who would issue forth their diatribes of hatred at any passer by, especially if they were English.

Some think it was during this time that he developed his hatred of anything associated with western democracy, individual liberty, business and prosperity, Christian principles or, to be frank, anything with common-sense, fun or pleasantness.

Brown-Gordon then went on to study religious socialism at Al-Edinburgh madrassa and developed many of the skills that helped him become the hated figure he is today.

"Yield to the All Powerful Fabian State. Death to all pig-dog capitalists." An excerpt from Osama brown-Gordon's infamous Youtube video.

He spent many fruitless years doing service as a foot soldier under ayatollahs M'kael Fhoot and Neel Khinok. He was active in the failed TaLibour spring offensives against Britanistan during 1983, 1987 and 1992 when they would descend from the mountains in their hoards shouting their blood curdling war slogans. He eventually reached the heights of the wahabist TaLibour ranks in the late 1990s when his compatriot Scotrabian, Djon S'mith appointed him as spokes-mullah for Economic Destruction.

He made a pact with the warlord Toni B'lair at the Al-Granita restaurant in a Londonistan souk to form a joint leadership of the TaLibour. B'lair would be the smiling front man while brown-Gordon and his disciples wielded the real power. Together they then waged another spring offensive against Britanistan in 1997.

The rest is well-known: The successful conquest of Britanistan, the medieval fatwahs and hate campaigns against non-believers, such as taxpayers, stay-at-home mums, old people, old fashioned Labour supporters (see here and here), smokers, drivers, the English and most private sector workers, the levying of eye watering taxes, the creation of a greedy, corrupt "parliament", the religious indoctrination of the civil service and the destruction of the education system.

Of course, his most well known acts were the creation and detonation of the most destructive debt bombs ever experienced by this country.

The last reported public sighting of brown-Gordon was when he was seen furtively leaving the Ten-down'ng street area of Westminsterland in May 2010. He was reported to have used a woman and two innocent children as cover. Informed sources say the woman could have been a wife from an arranged marriage. This, apparently, is a custom that many from brown-Gordon's cult follow, the most recent example being Moham-ed Miliband.

Since then, no-one alive has seen brown-Gordon. American spy planes have sought in vain to find any evidence that he still exists but can find nothing.

Do Parrots Swim?

Copyright © www.bradspictures.com/animals/8856/red+rumped+parrot+swimming.html

Copyright © www.flickr.com/photos/maummy

Extract from the writings of a parrot enslaver:
Advice for parrot slave owners: can parrots swim?

Many pet parrot owners will bring their large parrots as well as small parrots into the shower with them and the birds seem to love this. There are actually special perches that can be purchased which will stick to the shower wall in order for your pet parrots to shower with you. I would advise buying these as it is much safer than having a pet parrot such as an african gray parrot or blue and gold macaw sitting on your shoulder. We never advise that any parrot be allowed to sit on your shoulder for reasons dealing with dominance issues. It can be extremely serious if your beloved pet parrot becomes frightened or angry and decides to rip out your eye or take a chunk out of your cheek. Never let a pet parrot rest above your eye level.

It is true that birds do love water and bathing is essential for them to keep themselves clean and healthy. Pet Parrot care is not complete without making sure that your pet can easily bathe him/herself.

Pet Parrots should not be allowed in water which is above their belly. The more shallow, the better. They can do quite a good job of cleaning themselves without too much water.

Pet parrots cannot swim. Their feet are designed differently from ducks and swans. They are not webbed so they cannot paddle themselves through water like their cousins can, therefore please do not allow your pet birds near water deeper than their underbelly and watch them closely.

PHONE HACKING-GATE - EXCLUSIVE - TRANSCRIPTS LEAKED

Wikileaks have released a set of transcripts of the infamous phone hacking conversations.

Sources say that these files were found on a train by a cleaner after being left there by a GCHQ employee and that they were in turn illegally obtained by MI6 agents from a rogue cell of typists from the Womens' Institute who illegally typed up transcriptions of tapes that were illegally stolen by undercover ACPO police sex-therapists who obtained them from illegal private detectives from the Press Complaints Commission who were illegally investigating News of the World readers who illegally had an IQ above 12.

What we have here is a serious case of illegal alphabetti spaghetti:GCHQ,MI6,WI,PCC,NOTW,IQ

Never mind that, what now follows is some of those illegal transcripts. DO NOT READ ANY OF THESE TRANSCRIPTS, OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE SUED by a bunch of useless venal self-serving treacherous politicians and lawyers.

Remember, DO NOT READ THESE TRANSCRIPTS.

----------------------------------------------------------
GORDON BROWN PHONE HACKING FILE
----------------------------------------------------------
Messages left on GB's phone

Fri 13-Jun-1997
"Mr Brown, This is Sarah Macaulay. I am just replying to your advert in "Politico Trophy Wife Mart Weekly" wherein you expressed a desire to employ a nice, younger gel to be a pretend wifey and to breed some vote-getting children with. I wish to discuss terms with you and wonder if you and your lawyer would be free to meet me and my lawyer tomorrow. The terms looked particularly attractive, especially the bit about becoming party friends with Kate Moss and Nelson Mandela, I think he is soo cool. Yours sincerely, Sarah. Oh this voice mail thing is so awkw...."

Thu 20-May-2004
"Gordy Boy, how ya doin? Berny Madoff here. New York's looking lovely this time a year, ya gotta come visit. Hey look Gordy Baby, I needs some more dosh, I needs it sooo badly. D'ya wanna know WHY? I'll tell YA!! I just know yer gonna love this sweet, SWEET DEAL I got going!!! It'll make yer a zillionaire baby, it can't fail, IT JUST CANNOT FAIL. But, hey, ya gotta get in on this sweet deal NOW baby, get on now before it goes to these other guys. Just send me some more of that lovely gold bullion you sent me last year from your gold vaults and YOU and YOUR FAMILY are made for life baby! Would I ever lie to you? Ciao."

----------------------------------------------------------
ED MILIBAND PHONE HACKING FILE
----------------------------------------------------------
Messages left on Ed's phone

Mon 11-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. I notice you looked a bit peeky on the telly today. Let me make you some lovely chicken broth."

Tue 12-Feb-2008
"Edikins, darling, I'm in Asda getting the ingredients for your chicken broth. I noticed they had a special offer on woolly undies so I've bought you 10 pairs to keep you warm. I'll pop round with the broth and undies later today."

Tue 12-Feb-2008
"Edikins, darling, this is Mum. Er... I tried to bring round the chicken broth but unfortunately the protection police officer on your doorstep asked me questions and when I refused to give him grandma Ethel's broth recipe he arrested me under some preventing terror act thingy. I'm phoning from the police station, can you come and have a word with them for me darlikins?"

Wed 13-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. You still haven't got back to me. Although the police protection officer was a very nice young man, he refused to believe I wasn't a terrorist. They very kindly drove me to a tiny airport in the middle of nowhere and they said I was being given a free flight on CIA airways to a place called Rendition. Hopefully it will be nice and sunny."

Thu 14-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. This place is terrible, I've been locked up in a tiny, grubby and badly lit waiting lounge and there are these two sour faced men sitting across the table from me. Honestly, they are so rude, uncouth, smell of BO and have this obsessive gimlet-eyed look, they keep going on and on about the broth I made. Edikins, they're just like that bunch of Troskyists your late Dad kept bringing home for his discussions, and they're just as tiresome. I told them, "What kind of a girl do you think I am? Would you give away YOUR Gran's secret chicken broth recipe?" They got a bit flustered, anyway I'm going to have my nap now, that'll annoy them, just like it annoyed your Dad's chums."

Fri 15-Feb-2008
"Ed, Mum here. Well at long last, those grumpy men left me, maybe they had to get their flights, they went away muttering about something or other being worse than the Taliban. Anyway a very nice young officer put me on a connecting flight to a very nice sunny resort in Cuba. This is a lovely place Eddy dear. None of that miserable British weather, regular meals and exercises and everyone wears these lovely orange jump suits. Very chic they are."

----------------------------------------------------------
ANTHONY BLAIR PHONE HACKING FILE
----------------------------------------------------------
Messages left on Tone's phone

Wed 14-Nov-2001
"George, this is Tony, er Tony Blair. You remember we were playing that cool boardgame last week at some leaders' summit or other? Doncha just love the activities they lay on at these summits, no dreary leader stuff to do, just loadsa fun times; board games, chats n stuff. Well I was wondering, by the way how is that lovely wife of yours, Cherry got on so well with her ... hang on a minute ... Alistair what do you want now. Don't interrupt us ... what do you mean I've dialled the wrong number, look it says "The Cool Leader" on the phone, ... oh of course silly me ... I'm dialling myself. What's George Bush's number again?"

----------------------------------------------------------
GEORGE BUSH PHONE HACKING FILE
----------------------------------------------------------
Messages left on George's phone

Wed 14-Nov-2001
"George, Tone here, how ya doing. Good to meet you the other week. I really enjoyed that Risk boardgame we played in your hotel, those little plastic tanks and bombers looked so realistic. Er, ... actually, ... I'm phoning about that game thing we were playing. Alistair tells me that it wasn't a game but was a "Combat Reality Scenario Tool" and that it, hee hee, actually means that we will be invading half of the middle east in the next few years."

"Look, er look, George, er , I thought it was only a bit of innocent fun, I didn't realise you were taking it all so seriously ... look I'm a compassionate kinda guy I don't want to go round the planet killing relatives of my voters."

"Is there any way we can rewind this thing?"

Thu 15-Nov-2001
"George, Tone here. I've just remembered that this war game thingy showed a lot of other plastic pieces representing oil revenues, loads of international posturing, lucrative lecture circuits and a Congresional Medal of Honour."

Look if it is ACTUALLY real, could we just play the bit of the game where I , er, I hate to ask, but could I have some of those lucrative bits if we invade just a tiny bit and don't kill anyone related to my voters?"

Dear Mr BBC - Thanks ever so for the Mozart

A listener writes

BBC Radio 3 is currently broadcasting all of Mozart's works over a 12 day period.

I felt that for once they should be congratulated:

Mr Daedalus Parrot                          Rose Cottage                          Lower Numpty                          Numptshire Whoever is in charge of Radio 3 Broadcasting House London W1A 1AA 3rd Jan 2011 Dear Sir/Madam, This is not a complaint! Far from it. I wish to congratulate you and your colleagues at Radio 3 for the excellent Mozart season you are broadcasting. I know I am not alone in thanking you for giving us listeners so much wonderful, sublime music that appeals directly to one's soul. I can quite honestly say that switching from Radio 4 to Radio 3 for the past few days has made me so happy and content that I have even stopped shouting at the dog and casting curses at the (far too) many labour supporters on the BBC such as Marcus Brigstocke and James Naughty and that scottish lady who can't read the news properly. This is a very welcome departure from Radio 3's previous policy of only broadcasting unintelligible marxist atonal "music", appalling screechy string quartets by mediocre composers and Benjamin Britten songs. I can quite honestly say that for the first time in many years, my justifiable and deep anger at being forced to pay the TV licence fee to fund the biased socialist programming at the BBC has been tempered a bit. In fact I shall make a point of not attaching my thesis on political biasedness when I post you my TV licence cheque this year. After all, it is only fair that good deeds be rewarded. May your change in broadcasting policy never end and many respects to the humanity, genius and hard work of Mozart. Yours ever so gratefully, Daedalus Parrot.

Mr Daedalus Parrot                          Rose Cottage                          Lower Numpty                          Numptshire Whoever is in charge of Radio 3 Broadcasting House London W1A 1AA 5th Jan 2011 Dear Sir/Madam, Further to my letter of 3rd Jan, I wish to say what a fantastic job you and your people are doing in broadcasting every single piece of manuscript penned by Mozart. You have of course, in the interests of academic completeness, decided to include the rather tedious pieces he wrote when he was about two years old and, of course, you insist on reading out the crude letters he apparently wrote without removing the obnoxious lavatory humour you claim he exhibited. Never mind, all great people have feet of clay and a true exposition of Mozart shouldn't be too obsequious. I also wish to make the following important point: much that I love Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik , I feel that broadcasting it four times on the same day is verging on trying to induce an aversion reaction in people. Surley that isn't your intention. Please could you widen the choice and maybe also broadcast some of his beautiful piano works as well. Many thanks for broadcasting so much wonderful music, for once. Yours fathfully, Daedalus Parrot

Mr Daedalus Parrot                          Rose Cottage                          Lower Numpty                          Numptshire Whoever is in charge of Radio 3 Broadcasting House London W1A 1AA 6th Jan 2011 Dear Sir/Madam, I notice with humble appreciation that you decided to implement my recommendation for broadcasting Mozart's piano works today and you have even named today as Piano Day. Bravo. Some of his piano pieces are works of perfection that would tap into the innards of anyone, even souless socialists, and render them into a a state of good humoured serenity. This is precisely the beneift to humanity that people like you should continue to strive for and for which, I wish to remind you, Lord Reith created the BBC. Please continue in this vein and try to avoid those nasty atonal Schoenberg and Stockhasen "works" which are of no use to humanity apart from inducing suicide. Just to remind you; now that you acknowledge what an excellent idea my piano day was, please take heed of my other advice and try to decrease the number of times you brioadcasrt Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, I think I heard it for the fifth time today. Yours faithfully, Daedalus Parrot.

Mr Daedalus Parrot                          Rose Cottage                          Lower Numpty                          Numptshire Director of Radio 3 Broadcasting House London W1A 1AA 8th Jan 2011 Sir, I wish to demonstrate my continuing good will towards Radio 3 by reiterating my heartfelt gratitude for your excellent Mozart series on Radio3. It is quite amazing how widely appreciated Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is across our planet, even after more than 200 years. I wonder if someone such as yourself will leave such a bequest to humanity? Doubtless you are another too well paid left leaning quangocrat with a pension that would be the envy of the greediest banker, I also suspect you would leave no lasting non-financial bequest after your demise, especially if you continue your policy of broadcasting Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik over and over AND OVER again! I have written to you before about this and, much that I love that work by Mozart, it is becoming seriously annoying to hear it on Radio 3 so many times every day. Please try to vary your content a bit. Many thanks for your time. Yours, Daedalus Parrot.

Mr Daedalus Parrot                          Rose Cottage                          Lower Numpty                          Numptshire Director of Radio 3 Broadcasting House London W1A 1AA 9th Jan 2011 Dear Sir/Madam, Once again thanks for broadcasting Mozart's operas, wonderful stuff. His soprano arias are as near to perfection as one can get. However, I think you know why I have written so soon after my last letter: Eine Blimming Kleine Nachtmusik AGAIN last night! Please get a grip and try to play other Mozart works. Yours, Daedalus Parrot.

=======================================================================

Spending Review: Which plan did they use? - Plan 9 from outer space!

Those geniuses from our in-touch and financially astute coalition government and their brainy, experienced, selfless civil servants came up with a cunning plan for the 2010 Spending Review ™.

Just to remind those from another planet, the immediate problems our country faced as at the time of the Spending Review in October 2010 were:

• Huge existing debts
  
• The need to borrow huge amounts each year
  
• The need to print millions in monopoly money each year (they call it Quantitative Easing)
  
• A ruinous, huge annual public sector spending.
  
• Part of the public spending is down to the EU in terms of annual membership fees, lost business because of illogical EU rules, welfare payments being paid to the 100,000s of Poles, Lithuanians, Afghans, Iraqis, Indians and Pakistanis the EU forces us to import.
  

What was their solution? Guess which one of the following spending plans our enlightened masters chose:

Plan A - No cuts.

• Keep spending at the existing £696 billion per year.

Plan B - Small cuts of 2% per year.

• By 2014 we should be spending the same amount as 2008/09.

Plan C - Cuts of 5% per year.

• By 2014 we should be spending the same amount as 2007/08.

Plan 9 from Outer Space - NO CUTS, but INCREASE spending.

• Keep increasing the public sector spending EVERY year.
  
• Keep borrowing MORE money each year.
  
• Keep increasing the national debt each year.
  
• Keep giving 100s of millions of pounds to India each year. India has a billion dollar space program and has just bought a multi-billion dollar aircraft carrier.
  
• Keep giving billions to unproven "green" technologies which are not based on settled, empirical science and, in any event, will be completely useless against the global increase in CO2 emissions. By the way, CO2 is an essential plant food, it is not a poison!
  

[Hat tip to Richard North at http://eureferendum.blogspot.com]

Source Data
----------------------------------
Public Sector Spending

2004–05 Actual £492.377 billion
2005–06 Actual £524.006 billion
2006–07 Actual £550.046 billion
2007–08 Actual £582.534 billion
2008–09 Actual £629.844 billion
2009–10 Estimate as at Jul 2010 £669.260 billion

2010–11 Planned £696.800 billion

2011-12 Forecast £701.8 billion
2012-13 Forecast £713.0 billion
1013-14 Forecast £724.2 billion
2014-15 Forecast £739.8 billion

----------------------------------

Source documents

[1] Richard North's article on the Spending Review: http://eureferendum.blogspot.com/2010/10/for-avoidance-of-doubt.html

[2] H.M.Treasury's Spending Review document: http://cdn.hm-treasury.gov.uk/sr2010_completereport.pdf
(see "Total Managed Expediture" on pages 17 and 77

[3] H.M.Treasury's document on previous actual spending: http://www.hm-treasury.gov.uk/d/pesa_2010_complete.pdf
Page 30 Table 1.11

[4] Indian government document on aid received from G8 countries

What if the Chilean miners had been trapped in ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a British mine ...

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an American mine ...

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an EU controlled mine ...

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a North Korean mine ...

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an Afghan mine ...

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a Swiss mine ...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a British mine ...

• Rail trade union boss, Bob Crowe, would declare the rescue tunnel was part of the tube rail network and then call a strike to shutdown the rescue because of "safety ishoos" (and ask for more pay).
• Tony Blair would hog the television for days by making "They were the Peoples' Miners, who dug into our hearts .." speeches.
• Gordon Brown would blame Margaret Thatcher for the situation.
• No miners would be allowed out until an "X Factor" and "Britain's Got Talent" show had chosen which miner to rescue first.
• The miners would die anyway because a new Health and Safety directive would forbid any rescue worker from working near a disaster scene.
• Ten new QUANGOs would be created and would last for 10 years. They would be staffed by many incompetent civil servants, left-leaning academics and failed Labour politicians, on huge salaries and eye-watering, inflation-proof pensions. At the end of the 10 years, they would release 20 guideline documents, each at least 15,000 pages long.
  
  The document guidelines would ensure that:
  • The miners' human rights would not be breached.
  • The miners would have access to halal meat.
  • A diversity czar would be appointed to make sure the ethnic and other minorities are well represented in the cavern.
  • A global warming risk assessment is completed.
  • Lawyers and police are present to make sure the miners don't resort to Hate Speech.
  • Teams of care workers and psychiatrists are on hand in case the miners do resort to Hate Speech.
  • The miners must not be rescued because their CO2 would melt the glaciers.
  
  As a result, any miner who survived underground for those 10 years would be grateful to the nation for being a member of a diverse, halal-eating, green society.
• Any relative of the miners who approached the Prime Minister would be arrested, shot or beaten up by the police.
• Anyone who insisted on reading out a list of the miners' names, near Westminster and without a state permit would be arrested for breaching Britain's liberal anti-terrorist laws.

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an EU controlled mine ...

• EU bureaucrats would prosecute the miners for spending more than eight hours on one shift.
• The EU would levy an emergency "miners' rescue" tax on all EU citizens until the miners were safe or for 100 years, whichever is the longest.
• The rescue would fail because all of the national leaders and EU bureaucrats would argue about which country sponsors the drill, which country sponsors the supplies, and so on.
• Actually, the EU rescue wouldn't even start because EU regulations state that the mining accident is not officially an accident because no EU flag was flying over the mine at the time. The marxist bureaucrat who designed that rule would later be found dead in the Chilean quarter of Brussels, with several pickaxes in his head.
• To prevent accidents like this happening again, the EU would make new directives that would force a new militarised EU police force to be deployed on all European streets. Any citizens stopped by these police who had no mining permits would be shot.
• All elections in Europe would be suspended until the EU-wide trauma caused by the mining accident had subsided to a safe democratic level (or 100 years, whichever is the longest).
• All EU bureaucrats would be granted a 200% pay rise because of the stress they endured.

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an American mine ...

• They would name the operation "Shock and Ore", bomb the mountain until a crack appeared, pull out all of the miners' dead bodies, declare that they had succeeded in forcing democracy on them and send a bill for the bombs to the miners' widows.
• or ... American special services would be sent in, they would throw grenades into the miners' cavern and then claim Osama bin Laden had killed them with a suicide bomber.
• Wall Street bankers would create a complex hedge derivative trading instrument based on the favourite number of the first rescued miner's son and cause another mini recession.
• Obama would prevent any rescue until a new raft of legislation had been passed that required all rescuers and miners to invest in state healthcare and pay green taxes.
• Obama would make a presidential address on all TV stations describing how, if the miners are rescued, it would be entirely down to his tireless efforts and vision. However if any miners die, it would all be the fault of British Petroleum and the British Empire.
• Mysteriously, the miners find that the first person to appear in the cavern is an ambulance-chaser lawyer.

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a North Korean mine ...

• The state media would report that Kim Jong-il's brave eldest son had single handedly rescued all of the miners
• ... using technology devised by his genius glorious leader of a father.
• Communications from dissidents in North Korea report that no miners survived and that thousands of peasants died trying to dig the miners out with medieval tools.

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an Afghan mine ...

• The Taliban would suddenly appear in the cavern before anyone else.
• The Taliban would take everyone hostage, set up a heroine purification factory in the cavern, along with a terrorist training camp and an islamic school.

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a Swiss mine ...

• It would have been over in 5 minutes because the Swiss would have built in clever rescue channels during the mining.
• All the miners would survive.
• Very few TV stations would report it because it happened so quickly and no one had ever been at risk.
• The mine would reopen the next day to resume full production.
• The miners happily go back to work the day after that.

Missing In Action - Anna Raccoon

This region of the blogosphere was shocked to discover that all traces of the formidable and much loved blogger Anna Raccoon have been erased.

Her website is no more, her facebook, twitter and email accounts have been deleted and little trace remains, apart from the few cached web pages in Google. It is almost as if she has suffered a systematic 1984-like purge from all known records.

Several long-time collaborators of Anna's have tried to contact her but no news of a reply has been received yet. Well, apart from this tweet from Obnoxio the Clown:
I am the bearer of foul news. Anna Raccoon has ceased blogging. She is fine, but has decided to give up blogging and has taken her site down
about 16 hours ago via TweetDeck
Retweeted by 1 person
obotheclown
Obnoxio The Clown

There are several theories:
    1. Just fed-up with blogging
    2. Legal pressure
    3. Health
    4. A joke
    5. She has a new job as Gordon Brown's assistant

If this is really the end of Anna's career, then her insight, humour, rigorous research and compassion will be much missed. I think there are few, if any, bloggers out there who could fill her boots.

Whether Anna's disappearance is permanent or not, I feel it would be prudent to protect her legacy. I think it would be a crime to deprive the web of her best posts.

So, does anyone wish to collaborate on an archiving project? If so, please use the email at my contact link. Similarly, if anyone wants to suggest or vote for the best of Anna's posts that they think should be preserved, then please also get in touch. We don't have much time as Google's cache eventually removes old posts.

== UPDATE 1 == [13-Oct-2010 20:50]
Gildas the Monk posted an excellent eulogy to Anna on Grumpyoldtwat's blog here: Ana Raccoon.

GOTY also mentioned the following:
Gotty says:
Anna is fine but for personal reasons she felt that now was the right time to quit blogging. Best wishes Anna for whatever you decide to do in the future .... and thank you ;-)

== UPDATE 2 == [14-Oct-2010 20:00]
Anna has written a farewell post here.

Rather sad but at least Anna is choosing a less stressful, happier life.

To Anna:
Many thanks for the hours of amusing, entertaining, beguiling, illuminating and surprising articles you provided for the legions of blogonauts. You most certainly made a difference, a very good one and have set the bar very high.

Take care, enjoy your life, you deserve it.
Bon Chance, Daedalus.