Nick Clegg Phone-In

The Nick Clegg Phone-In, live on LBC 97.3 FM

NICK CLEGG: Hello, this is the Nick Clegg phone in. What have you got to say caller. Er, is that Chris from Westminster?

CALLER 1: CHRISTINE RENNARD OF WESTMINSTER: No Nick this is, er, Christine, my voice is a bit hoarse. Don't you agree that it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only 21st century party that supports the inalienable right of every portly gentleman over 50 to lovingly grope, I mean caress, us young females, especially when they work for me, I mean for you?

NICK CLEGG: Well Christine, of course the Lib Dems are right to support all such gestures of affection, but only so long as the lady concerned can be bullied, promoted or paid off and if the gentleman concerned is not a Conservative. By the way your voice sounds suspiciously like a Lord I know, are you sure you are a lady?

CALLER 2: MIKE HANCOCK: Hi Nick, I'm Mike Hancock C.B.E., the harworking Lib Dem MP for Portsmouth South. I agree completely with the last caller. In fact, I was only saying to my attractive 19 year old Russian assistant the other day, "Isn't it wonderful that you never shop me for indulging in such acts of affection.".

CALLER 3: MARK OF OATEN: Hi Nick, thanks for letting me speak, first time caller. Don't you agree that it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only modern and accountable party to support the right of every decent man to lovingly engage in unspeakable 3-in-a-bed acts with rent boys and to promote the teaching of such in schools?

NICK CLEGG: Mark, you are of course right,the Lib Dems are the only party to support such individuals but we are confident that our coalition partners the Conservatives are moving that way as well.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller, Nick Clegg here.

CALLER 4: PADDY FROM PANTSDOWN: Hi Nick, good of me to speak to you. You agree with me, of course, that it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only democratic party to support the right of every decent man to engage in affectionate pantsdown activities with women who are not their wives. And finally, when are ya goin to let me give that lovely wife of yours a good...

NICK CLEGG: I think Paddy got cut off there, but, yes Paddy, only reactionary dinosaurs believe in these ghastly Victorian marriage vows. We and our coalition partners are successfully trying to destroy the institution of marriage.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller, Nick Clegg here.

CALLER 5: CHRIS H.: Hi Nick, it is shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only party to support the right of every decent man to affectionately coerce their wives to take their speeding points for them.

NICK CLEGG: Yes Chris, being a modern party, we strongly support the right of every Lib Dem MP to ignore any laws they don't like. But this can only happen in a fair and accountable society if the little people below us obey those same laws to prevent anarchy and also if they give us more of their pay to keep us in the democratic, subsidised life styles we deserve.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller what have you got to say.

CALLER 6: JEREMY THORPE: Nick, isn't it shocking and distressing that the Lib Dems are the only gay-friendly party that supports the loving acts of attempted assassination between one loving consensual male and another in a consensual way?

NICK CLEGG: Yes, the Lib Dems are the only party loony enough to believe this.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller Nick Clegg here.

CALLER 7: DAVID LAWS: Hello Nick, I feel it is shocking and distressing that more MPs are not allowed to lovingly rob the taxpayer via fraudulent expenses claims and then lovingly give it to their landlord boyfriend.

NICK CLEGG: David you are right but the Lib Dems and the Conservatives have demonstrated how progressive they are by allowing such people to go unpunished and even promoting them to high office.

NICK CLEGG: Hello caller you're through to Nick Clegg.

CALLER 8: P.C.PLOD: Is it the case that you did knowingly conspire in the procurement of young and impressionable, silly girls and did knowingly allow them to be coerced into situations of sexual exploitation by an over-aged multiple chinned deviant?

NICK CLEGG: Yes, that is Lib Dem policy. Also, we strongly condemn self-appointed detectives in the press who notice this and hopefully they will be locked up when our Leveson proposals become law.

CALLER 8: P.C.PLOD: OK sunshine, get yer trousers on, you're nicked.