Tuesday, 21 June 2011

The Euro as a Farmyard Parable

(also called Mutual Fiscal Destruction)

Each country in the EU agrees to donate their cows to a new joint Euro Herd in a specially ring fenced Euro Field.

Countries like Germany nurture their part of the Euro Herd very well and it prospers and yields high levels of good quality milk. One or two countries, like Britain, decide not to join the Euro Herd and keep their own cows in their own field.

Other countries though, such as Portugal, Ireland, Greece and Spain (the PIGS) only occasionally look in on their part of the Euro Herd and generally neglect them. One day a PIG discovers the dead carcasses of their cows as a horrid flattened mess. They ask for emergency cow loans and, reluctantly, the other Euro Herd members agree on condition that the PIGS take better care of their cows.

For some inexplicable reason Britain, which has to borrow money every year to support its own cows, borrows even more money to buy cows to lend to the PIGS.

A few days later one of the PIGS, who had nothing else better to do, happens to look in on his herd and discovers to his astonishment that his part of the Euro Field is a bloody, mangled mess of squashed cows. The PIGS again demand help from the Euro Herd members. Again they receive help on condition that they improve their cow husbandry.

To the astonishment of impartial observers, Britain, which has absolutely no obligation to do so, borrows even more money to increase its already eye-watering, record breaking debt just so it can buy more cows to lend to the PIGS.

What these Euro Herd owners and Britain refuse to acknowledge however is that every evening one of the PIGS leads a huge elephant into the Euro Field. This elephant usually lives in their front room during the day. Over night, as the elephant tramps around the PIGS part of the field, it accidentally flattens all of their cows.

The big elephant in the PIGS’s room has a name and it is tattooed on its side in huge two foot high red letters, it is called Irresponsible National Debt.

This was posted in response to an excellent rewrite of the Two Cows Capitalism joke by SadButMadLad at Anna Raccoon.

Monday, 20 June 2011

British Government Debt - A Simple Guide

It appears that various people like the trade unions, public sector fat cats, the BBC, most of the senior politicians from Labour, the Conservatives and the Lib Dems, oh and normal people under the age of 12, don't understand what a debt is.

Here is a simple guide for these simple folk:

Case 1.Mr. X (A hypothetical person.)

Annual Income 2010:£25,000

Annual Expenditure 2010:£32,000 (129% of income)

Borrowing for 2010:£6,400 (25% of income)

Existing debt:£215,000 (approx 8 times income)

Does the borrowing buy sellable assets?:NO

Other information:This person gives away £360 to a foreign club that he gains no benefit from. This same club also imposes petty rules on him that prevent him from earning a further £4500 per year.
This man also gives away £350 per year to strangers he doesn't know, to people he knows are crooks or to people who are richer than him.

Verdict:This man is a nutter, for god's sake, someone take him to an accountant or get him sectioned in an asylum.

Case 2.British Public Sector

Annual Income 2010:£549 billion (Taxes etc.)

Annual Expenditure 2010:£710 billion (129% of income)

Borrowing for 2010:£141 billion (25% of income)

Existing debt£4,771 billion (approx 8 times income)

Does the borrowing buy sellable assets?NO

Other information:This government gives away £8 billion to the EU foreign club that it gains no benefit from. This same EU club also imposes petty rules on the British economy that prevent it from earning a further £100 billion per year.
The British government also gives away several billion pounds per year to strange countries that it has nothing in common with, to countries with crooked leaders who stash the money in Swiss bank accounts or to countries who are richer than Britain and have their own space programmes and working aircraft carriers.

Verdict (From a sane person):This government is mad and needs to be replaced immediately with sensible financially-literate people.

Verdict (From the three main parties, trade unions, BBC, etc.):"This is good and sustainable, if you do anything else, like, ooh let's say do some budget cutting, then you are mad or an evil baby killer or both."

The above image © copyright The Tax Payers' Alliance


Government Annual Income
H.M.Treasury - Public finances data bank spreadsheet – `ASheet C1, cell B51 - Receipts 2010/11 = £548.5 billion

Government Annual Spending
H.M.Treasury - Puiblic Finances data Bank Spreadsheet – Sheet B1, cell E50 - Total expenditure 2010/11 = £710.4 billion

Government Annual Borrowing
H.M.Treasury - Public Sector Finances Bulletin, March 2011 – Page 1 - Borrowing for 2010/2011 is £141.1 billion

Existing Government Debt - Median estimate
Institute of Economic Affairs (IEA) - UK's true national debt £4.771 trillion, 14-Jun-2010 - Page 13

Existing Government Debt - Upper estimate
Real national debt is £7,900 billion (£7.873 trillion), according to TaxPayers’ Alliance calculations
Click “Click here to read the full report” which leads to:

Other spending

Government pension liabilities for the next 40 years
Click LT3 which leads to:
D.F.I.D. - DFID Business Plan 2011-2015 - Page 21 - DFID planned expenditure for 2010/2011 is £7.81 billion

Monday, 11 April 2011

WHERE ARE THEY NOW? - No.274 - Osama Brown-Gordon

Forensic computer reconstructions of what renegade Osama brown-Gordon might look like now.

It is almost a year since anyone, especially from the coalition forces, has had any direct contact with the terrorist mastermind Osama brown-Gordon.

The effects of his insane acts of terror are still with us everywhere. We, our children and our grandchildren seem doomed to suffer decades of stringent emergency countermeasures in order to repair the damage that he and his crazed Fabian TaLibour fanatics have caused.

It is hard to imagine what relatively innocent and carefree lives we led before his terror death cult infected our country.

Nearly every day we hear of another British casualty who has been harmed by the improvised economic devices (IEDs) that his fanatical TaLibour followers have planted. These highly explosive and destructive devices were cleverly assembled in Fabian bunkers in the think-tank madrassas of Westminsterland. It is estimated that hundreds more of these devices are still hidden in the fabric of our quangos, obscure Fabian legislation, public sector pension and pay schemes and private finance initiatives. Analysts say these are set to release their destructive forces for the foreseeable future.

One of the senior fanatics who assisted brown-Gordon in his atrocities was the accomplished deceiver and thug, Moham-Ed Balls. This mad-eyed zealot was the architect of many of the destructive devices unleashed by brown-Gordon. Coalition forces have detected his fingerprints at many disaster sites in the country.

Another who ranked highly in brown-Gordon's terror death cult was Moham-Ed Miliband. He was the fanatic TaLibour ayatollah of Global Warming before Britanistan was liberated by the coalition. He created many lunatic global warming fatwahs that are still costing this country billions and will cause many deaths amongst the vulnerable from fuel poverty.

Some sources suspect most of the Britanistan civil servants and even members of the new Khameron regime are actually secret TaLibour supporters and fifth columnists. Many point to the mullahs Vyns Khable, Kriss Hoon and Khen Klark whose religiously inspired anti-business, loony green and pro-criminal policies are ignoring common sense and science and will doom most families to primitive and persecuted lives.

This is just a glimpse of brown-Gordon's legacy, however, what about the elusive terrorist himself? What do we know about him and what has happened to him since his war on the west started?

Osama brown-Gordon was born to fervently religious parents in Saudi Scotrabia and he learnt his brand of wahabist socialism at their feet while his mullah father held prayers for the local faithful.

The bleak and barren mountainous region in which he was raised was notorious for producing many ranting preachers who would issue forth their diatribes of hatred at any passer by, especially if they were English.

Some think it was during this time that he developed his hatred of anything associated with western democracy, individual liberty, business and prosperity, Christian principles or, to be frank, anything with common-sense, fun or pleasantness.

Brown-Gordon then went on to study religious socialism at Al-Edinburgh madrassa and developed many of the skills that helped him become the hated figure he is today.

"Yield to the All Powerful Fabian State. Death to all pig-dog capitalists."

An excerpt from Osama brown-Gordon's infamous Youtube video.

He spent many fruitless years doing service as a foot soldier under ayatollahs M'kael Fhoot and Neel Khinok. He was active in the failed TaLibour spring offensives against Britanistan during 1983, 1987 and 1992 when they would descend from the mountains in their hoards shouting their blood curdling war slogans. He eventually reached the heights of the wahabist TaLibour ranks in the late 1990s when his compatriot Scotrabian, Djon S'mith appointed him as spokes-mullah for Economic Destruction.

He made a pact with the warlord Toni B'lair at the Al-Granita restaurant in a Londonistan souk to form a joint leadership of the TaLibour. B'lair would be the smiling front man while brown-Gordon and his disciples wielded the real power. Together they then waged another spring offensive against Britanistan in 1997.

The rest is well-known: The successful conquest of Britanistan, the medieval fatwahs and hate campaigns against non-believers, such as taxpayers, stay-at-home mums, old people, old fashioned Labour supporters (see here and here), smokers, drivers, the English and most private sector workers, the levying of eye watering taxes, the creation of a greedy, corrupt "parliament", the religious indoctrination of the civil service and the destruction of the education system.

Of course, his most well known acts were the creation and detonation of the most destructive debt bombs ever experienced by this country.

The last reported public sighting of brown-Gordon was when he was seen furtively leaving the Ten-down'ng street area of Westminsterland in May 2010. He was reported to have used a woman and two innocent children as cover. Informed sources say the woman could have been a wife from an arranged marriage. This, apparently, is a custom that many from brown-Gordon's cult follow, the most recent example being Moham-ed Miliband.

Since then, no-one alive has seen brown-Gordon. American spy planes have sought in vain to find any evidence that he still exists but can find nothing.

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Do Parrots Swim?

Copyright ©

Copyright ©

Extract from the writings of a parrot enslaver:
Advice for parrot slave owners: can parrots swim?

Many pet parrot owners will bring their large parrots as well as small parrots into the shower with them and the birds seem to love this. There are actually special perches that can be purchased which will stick to the shower wall in order for your pet parrots to shower with you. I would advise buying these as it is much safer than having a pet parrot such as an african gray parrot or blue and gold macaw sitting on your shoulder. We never advise that any parrot be allowed to sit on your shoulder for reasons dealing with dominance issues. It can be extremely serious if your beloved pet parrot becomes frightened or angry and decides to rip out your eye or take a chunk out of your cheek. Never let a pet parrot rest above your eye level.

It is true that birds do love water and bathing is essential for them to keep themselves clean and healthy. Pet Parrot care is not complete without making sure that your pet can easily bathe him/herself.

Pet Parrots should not be allowed in water which is above their belly. The more shallow, the better. They can do quite a good job of cleaning themselves without too much water.

Pet parrots cannot swim. Their feet are designed differently from ducks and swans. They are not webbed so they cannot paddle themselves through water like their cousins can, therefore please do not allow your pet birds near water deeper than their underbelly and watch them closely.

Monday, 24 January 2011


Wikileaks have released a set of transcripts of the infamous phone hacking conversations.

Sources say that these files were found on a train by a cleaner after being left there by a GCHQ employee and that they were in turn illegally obtained by MI6 agents from a rogue cell of typists from the Womens' Institute who illegally typed up transcriptions of tapes that were illegally stolen by undercover ACPO police sex-therapists who obtained them from illegal private detectives from the Press Complaints Commission who were illegally investigating News of the World readers who illegally had an IQ above 12.

What we have here is a serious case of illegal alphabetti spaghetti:GCHQ,MI6,WI,PCC,NOTW,IQ

Never mind that, what now follows is some of those illegal transcripts. DO NOT READ ANY OF THESE TRANSCRIPTS, OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE SUED by a bunch of useless venal self-serving treacherous politicians and lawyers.


Messages left on GB's phone

Fri 13-Jun-1997
"Mr Brown, This is Sarah Macaulay. I am just replying to your advert in "Politico Trophy Wife Mart Weekly" wherein you expressed a desire to employ a nice, younger gel to be a pretend wifey and to breed some vote-getting children with. I wish to discuss terms with you and wonder if you and your lawyer would be free to meet me and my lawyer tomorrow. The terms looked particularly attractive, especially the bit about becoming party friends with Kate Moss and Nelson Mandela, I think he is soo cool. Yours sincerely, Sarah. Oh this voice mail thing is so awkw...."

Thu 20-May-2004
"Gordy Boy, how ya doin? Berny Madoff here. New York's looking lovely this time a year, ya gotta come visit. Hey look Gordy Baby, I needs some more dosh, I needs it sooo badly. D'ya wanna know WHY? I'll tell YA!! I just know yer gonna love this sweet, SWEET DEAL I got going!!! It'll make yer a zillionaire baby, it can't fail, IT JUST CANNOT FAIL. But, hey, ya gotta get in on this sweet deal NOW baby, get on now before it goes to these other guys. Just send me some more of that lovely gold bullion you sent me last year from your gold vaults and YOU and YOUR FAMILY are made for life baby! Would I ever lie to you? Ciao."

Messages left on Ed's phone

Mon 11-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. I notice you looked a bit peeky on the telly today. Let me make you some lovely chicken broth."

Tue 12-Feb-2008
"Edikins, darling, I'm in Asda getting the ingredients for your chicken broth. I noticed they had a special offer on woolly undies so I've bought you 10 pairs to keep you warm. I'll pop round with the broth and undies later today."

Tue 12-Feb-2008
"Edikins, darling, this is Mum. Er... I tried to bring round the chicken broth but unfortunately the protection police officer on your doorstep asked me questions and when I refused to give him grandma Ethel's broth recipe he arrested me under some preventing terror act thingy. I'm phoning from the police station, can you come and have a word with them for me darlikins?"

Wed 13-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. You still haven't got back to me. Although the police protection officer was a very nice young man, he refused to believe I wasn't a terrorist. They very kindly drove me to a tiny airport in the middle of nowhere and they said I was being given a free flight on CIA airways to a place called Rendition. Hopefully it will be nice and sunny."

Thu 14-Feb-2008
"Ed, your Mum here. This place is terrible, I've been locked up in a tiny, grubby and badly lit waiting lounge and there are these two sour faced men sitting across the table from me. Honestly, they are so rude, uncouth, smell of BO and have this obsessive gimlet-eyed look, they keep going on and on about the broth I made. Edikins, they're just like that bunch of Troskyists your late Dad kept bringing home for his discussions, and they're just as tiresome. I told them, "What kind of a girl do you think I am? Would you give away YOUR Gran's secret chicken broth recipe?" They got a bit flustered, anyway I'm going to have my nap now, that'll annoy them, just like it annoyed your Dad's chums."

Fri 15-Feb-2008
"Ed, Mum here. Well at long last, those grumpy men left me, maybe they had to get their flights, they went away muttering about something or other being worse than the Taliban. Anyway a very nice young officer put me on a connecting flight to a very nice sunny resort in Cuba. This is a lovely place Eddy dear. None of that miserable British weather, regular meals and exercises and everyone wears these lovely orange jump suits. Very chic they are."

Messages left on Tone's phone

Wed 14-Nov-2001
"George, this is Tony, er Tony Blair. You remember we were playing that cool boardgame last week at some leaders' summit or other? Doncha just love the activities they lay on at these summits, no dreary leader stuff to do, just loadsa fun times; board games, chats n stuff. Well I was wondering, by the way how is that lovely wife of yours, Cherry got on so well with her ... hang on a minute ... Alistair what do you want now. Don't interrupt us ... what do you mean I've dialled the wrong number, look it says "The Cool Leader" on the phone, ... oh of course silly me ... I'm dialling myself. What's George Bush's number again?"

Messages left on George's phone

Wed 14-Nov-2001
"George, Tone here, how ya doing. Good to meet you the other week. I really enjoyed that Risk boardgame we played in your hotel, those little plastic tanks and bombers looked so realistic. Er, ... actually, ... I'm phoning about that game thing we were playing. Alistair tells me that it wasn't a game but was a "Combat Reality Scenario Tool" and that it, hee hee, actually means that we will be invading half of the middle east in the next few years."

"Look, er look, George, er , I thought it was only a bit of innocent fun, I didn't realise you were taking it all so seriously ... look I'm a compassionate kinda guy I don't want to go round the planet killing relatives of my voters."

"Is there any way we can rewind this thing?"

Thu 15-Nov-2001
"George, Tone here. I've just remembered that this war game thingy showed a lot of other plastic pieces representing oil revenues, loads of international posturing, lucrative lecture circuits and a Congresional Medal of Honour."

Look if it is ACTUALLY real, could we just play the bit of the game where I , er, I hate to ask, but could I have some of those lucrative bits if we invade just a tiny bit and don't kill anyone related to my voters?"

Monday, 10 January 2011

Dear Mr BBC - Thanks ever so for the Mozart

A listener writes

BBC Radio 3 is currently broadcasting all of Mozart's works over a 12 day period.

I felt that for once they should be congratulated:

                         Mr Daedalus Parrot
                         Rose Cottage
                         Lower Numpty

Whoever is in charge of Radio 3
Broadcasting House

3rd Jan 2011

Dear Sir/Madam,

This is not a complaint! Far from it. I wish to congratulate you and your colleagues at Radio 3 for the excellent Mozart season you are broadcasting.

I know I am not alone in thanking you for giving us listeners so much wonderful, sublime music that appeals directly to one's soul. I can quite honestly say that switching from Radio 4 to Radio 3 for the past few days has made me so happy and content that I have even stopped shouting at the dog and casting curses at the (far too) many labour supporters on the BBC such as Marcus Brigstocke and James Naughty and that scottish lady who can't read the news properly.

This is a very welcome departure from Radio 3's previous policy of only broadcasting unintelligible marxist atonal "music", appalling screechy string quartets by mediocre composers and Benjamin Britten songs.

I can quite honestly say that for the first time in many years, my justifiable and deep anger at being forced to pay the TV licence fee to fund the biased socialist programming at the BBC has been tempered a bit. In fact I shall make a point of not attaching my thesis on political biasedness when I post you my TV licence cheque this year. After all, it is only fair that good deeds be rewarded.

May your change in broadcasting policy never end and many respects to the humanity, genius and hard work of Mozart.

Yours ever so gratefully,

Daedalus Parrot.

                         Mr Daedalus Parrot
                         Rose Cottage
                         Lower Numpty

Whoever is in charge of Radio 3
Broadcasting House

5th Jan 2011

Dear Sir/Madam,

Further to my letter of 3rd Jan, I wish to say what a fantastic job you and your people are doing in broadcasting every single piece of manuscript penned by Mozart.

You have of course, in the interests of academic completeness, decided to include the rather tedious pieces he wrote when he was about two years old and, of course, you insist on reading out the crude letters he apparently wrote without removing the obnoxious lavatory humour you claim he exhibited. Never mind, all great people have feet of clay and a true exposition of Mozart shouldn't be too obsequious.

I also wish to make the following important point: much that I love Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik , I feel that broadcasting it four times on the same day is verging on trying to induce an aversion reaction in people. Surley that isn't your intention. Please could you widen the choice and maybe also broadcast some of his beautiful piano works as well.

Many thanks for broadcasting so much wonderful music, for once.

Yours fathfully,

Daedalus Parrot

                         Mr Daedalus Parrot
                         Rose Cottage
                         Lower Numpty

Whoever is in charge of Radio 3
Broadcasting House

6th Jan 2011

Dear Sir/Madam,

I notice with humble appreciation that you decided to implement my recommendation for broadcasting Mozart's piano works today and you have even named today as Piano Day. Bravo.

Some of his piano pieces are works of perfection that would tap into the innards of anyone, even souless socialists, and render them into a a state of good humoured serenity. This is precisely the beneift to humanity that people like you should continue to strive for and for which, I wish to remind you, Lord Reith created the BBC. Please continue in this vein and try to avoid those nasty atonal Schoenberg and Stockhasen "works" which are of no use to humanity apart from inducing suicide.

Just to remind you; now that you acknowledge what an excellent idea my piano day was, please take heed of my other advice and try to decrease the number of times you brioadcasrt Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, I think I heard it for the fifth time today.

Yours faithfully,

Daedalus Parrot.

                         Mr Daedalus Parrot
                         Rose Cottage
                         Lower Numpty

Director of Radio 3
Broadcasting House

8th Jan 2011


I wish to demonstrate my continuing good will towards Radio 3 by reiterating my heartfelt gratitude for your excellent Mozart series on Radio3.

It is quite amazing how widely appreciated Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is across our planet, even after more than 200 years. I wonder if someone such as yourself will leave such a bequest to humanity?

Doubtless you are another too well paid left leaning quangocrat with a pension that would be the envy of the greediest banker, I also suspect you would leave no lasting non-financial bequest after your demise, especially if you continue your policy of broadcasting Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik over and over AND OVER again!

I have written to you before about this and, much that I love that work by Mozart, it is becoming seriously annoying to hear it on Radio 3 so many times every day. Please try to vary your content a bit.

Many thanks for your time.


Daedalus Parrot.

                         Mr Daedalus Parrot
                         Rose Cottage
                         Lower Numpty

Director of Radio 3
Broadcasting House

9th Jan 2011

Dear Sir/Madam,

Once again thanks for broadcasting Mozart's operas, wonderful stuff. His soprano arias are as near to perfection as one can get.

However, I think you know why I have written so soon after my last letter: Eine Blimming Kleine Nachtmusik AGAIN last night! Please get a grip and try to play other Mozart works.


Daedalus Parrot.