"You're all a bunch of b*******" rants hate preacher Abu Denis Healey as all politicians vow to deport him

Abu Mustaffa-Tax Denis Healey, the infamous hate preacher was universally condemned last night by leaders of all sensible parties. 95 year old Abu Denis Healey has been accused of delivering foul tirades against poor Ed Miliband and, even worse, of stating how he fancied making Margaret Thatcher one of his wives.

David Cameron, leader of the Lib-Lab-Con party, made a key speech in parliament yesterday promising unequivocally to have Abu Denis Healey deported, if possible, maybe next week. He went on "I feel very strongly as a passionate liberal that this sort of language is quite uncalled for in our modern 21st century, passionately liberal and proudly wishy-washy, metrosexual Britain. People with independent opinions like that make us all feel quite sick. It has to stop and it has to stop now!"

Cleggie simpered "I feel quite hurt he didn't insult me, I think I'll go and open another baby care centre in Bromsgrove.". Nigel Farage, UKIP leader said "Denis is bang out of order with this uncontrolled ranting, that's my job. Who's gonna watch my Youtube speeches now!"

Cameron went on to say "I give you a cast iron promise that this enemy of liberty will be summarily put under house arrest without due legal process, he will be harassed and snooped on by hundreds of staff from the security services without any court order and he will be arrested on spurious charges that won't hold for 5 minutes. This gives a clear message to freedom haters like this everywhere that we are proud to protect of our liberal values of selective fairness and justice."

Abu Denis Healey's main victim, the hapless Ed Miliband who was once a winner of the Mr Wimpiverse contest and appeared in nasal hair spray and Mr Sheen polish adverts before becoming an unrecognised politician, said "This kind of spittle-ridden, left-wing tub thumping is out of character for our party, his vile words shame the good memories of wise and eloquent orators such as George Galloway, Ed Balls, Denis Skinner and John Prescott."

Debt Bomb Terrorism
Abu Denis Healey is reputed to have been Osama brown-Gordon's predecessor as the holder of finances for the notorious terrorist death cult, N'hu l'abour. Victims of his terrorist atrocities in the 1970s recall with horror how he made their "pips squeak".

In a famous televised speech made by Abu Denis Healey in the 1970s, he claimed to have ended boom and bust, sorry, he claimed the pound in his pocket wasn't worth a fly's fart or something like that. Anyway, what followed showed an uncanny similarity to Osama brown-Gordon's infamous terrorist debt bombs that were indiscriminately unleashed on Britain in the 2000s.

One of Denis Healey's greatest terror acts was his budget of 1974 that saw the destruction of 83% of people's earnings. Over the next years the accumulated destruction from Dennis Healey's inflationary explosions was so great that the International Monetary Fund had to send in rescue forces to bale out a humiliated Britain in 1976. And this of course later led on to the Winter of Discontent in 1979.

Zimmer-framists Threat
Abu Denis Healey is also considered by many to be Osama brown-Gordon's ambassador to the secretive zimmer-framist communities in Britain. Some fear that the segregationist attitudes of the zimmer-framed causes friction in society.

Many selfless staff in the public sector fight tirelessly to protect us from the untold harm that the zimmer-framists could unleash on us. Hard-working professionals in the NHS bravely kill zimmer-framists off in the thousands by ignoring them in hospital and refusing to give them food and water. These noble goldplated-pensioned NHS managers also devise ingenious weapons of mass destruction such as the Liverpool Care Pathway to obliterate their enemies.

Other brave workers from the civil service and from the green political arena, and it has to be said greatly enhanced by Miliband's loony Climate Change Act, have cunningly increased the price of energy by so much green taxes during these record-breaking cold spells that thousands more of the zimmer-framists are being killed off because of energy poverty.

Living in his multi-million pound terrorist training ranch in Sussex, paid for by taxpayers from his dubious MP benefits, Abu Denis Healey can often be seen in his front garden shaking his walking stick at passers by and spouting foam-flecked abuse at innocent politicians of all three genders.



      References
      New Statesman - Denis Healey - UKIP Bastards, Miliband no charisma, Maggie is hot stuff
      Anna Raccoon blog - Where are they now: Osama brown-Gordon
      BBC - Denis Healey making their "pips squeak"
      Guardian - Budgets including 1974's 83% tax rate

"YOU'RE A NASTY PIECE OF WORK, AREN'T YOU?" - THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS.

It is an unexplained mystery that many hard-hitting interviews by Eddie Mair with left of centre politicians have disappeared from the unbiased BBC's archives.

After much painstaking archeological research, a few fragments of these interviews have been recovered. We proudly present them here in order to give credence to the myth, sorry fact, that BBC journalists are not vindictive, left-leaning lackies.




THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    ZILLIONAIRE TONY BLAIR

EDDIE MAIR:
You were the first serving Prime Minister to be interviewed by the police. Not once, but three times.

Under your premiership, your administration was rocked by unprecedented scandals over cash-for-honours and MP expense frauds.

You were accused by one of your researchers, Andrew Neather, of actively implementing the policy of mass immigration whilst publicly denying it at the time. This has been said to have created overcrowding in schools and hospitals, unaffordable, huge house prices and the cause of much friction within society.

You actively promoted the case for the Iraq war based on known lies and half truths. Some say that without your active support and the carefully crafted propaganda that you, Alistair Campbell and John Scarlett (later promoted) created, the Iraq war would not have been waged and a peace settlement could have been made.

You have made vast fortunes from the American lecture circuits and from directorships of US banks, all thanks to your war crimes. This blood money has helped you and your acquisitive, shop-lifting, fare-dodging, over-lenient magistrate of a wife amass a huge multi-million pound property portfolio.

Do you sleep at night knowing that you are responsible for hundreds of thousands of unnecessary deaths that are still occurring now?

You're nasty pieces of work, the pair of you, aren't you?

       New York Times - Blair questioned by police
       Sky - Labour encouraged mass immigration to UK
       Max Hastings - If scintilla decency Tony Blair Alastair Campbell John Scarlett faces public again
       Guardian - bounty-blair-war-criminal-chilcot       Telegraph - Has Cherie Blair no shame I think we know the answer to that
       Guardian - Cherie Blair, fare dodger
       Independent - Results-of-cherie-blair-inquiry-were-covered-up


THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    HIGH STEWARD OF HULL PETER MANDELSON

EDDIE MAIR:
Mr Mandelson, I put it to you that not only were you caught lying twice, but you did so while you were a Minister of the Crown.

On one of those occasions, the lie was to cover up your actions in giving an unauthorised British passport to a millionaire Labour party donor.

You are loathed by most in your own party and you were considered a rank hypocrite when you betrayed your labour roots by shamelessly pursuing the lifestyle of an oligarch and accepting a place in the House of Lords.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

       Guardian - Mandelson loan scandal
       BBC - Mandelson and the Hinduja brothers
       Guardian - Guardian - Glassy eyed Mandelson: Labour, man and boy
       Littlejohn - Peter Mandelson: "This time next year Reinaldo we'll be billionaires"



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    CLEGGIE

EDDIE MAIR:
Cleggie, You famously claimed to support low student fees and then, months later when the smell of coalition power was in your nostrils, you let those students down by raising tuition fees by a factor of 300% to £9,000.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    JOHN PRESCOTT

EDDIE MAIR:
You maintained an affair with one of your subordinates, throughout which you very likely told many lies to those around you. I wonder, was she coerced into that affair? You formed many liaisons with your mistress during work time, whilst taxpayers were still working to fund your indulgent lifestyle.

You betrayed your Labour roots by not only playing croquet on a posh lawn of your state-supplied mansion (during working hours) but you didn't really seem to care about being photographed.

Your incompetent "Pathfinder" housing schemes destroyed row upon row of viable housing stock, much of which now forms "Prescott" wastelands in the North.

You betrayed the taxpayers, you betrayed your wife, and you betrayed your old-fashioned, hard working Labour supporters.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

       Guardian - Prescott two year affair
       BBC - Prescott, croquet
       Money Week - How John Prescott wasted 22bn
       Express - John Prescott has left us in slums



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    MICHAEL MARTIN

EDDIE MAIR:
You brought the position of speaker of the House of Commons into disrepute, you became known as an ignorant, inarticulate bully and, later, a figure of fun.

You and your wife hoovered up expenses and the lavish Speaker lifestyle like there was no tomorrow.

You sacked civil servants for the crime of being too "posh".

You spent £100,000 of taxpayers money on a soviet-style clampdown on any exposure of the crooked MPs' expenses frauds.

You presided over a regime of biased, political thuggery that saw its zenith when you encouraged police to arrest Damian Green purely for doing what all opposition MPs should be doing.

You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

       Irish Independent - Undignified-downfall-of-a-bullyboy-speaker
       Guardian - Sacked by Michael Martin for being posh
       Daily Mail - Speaker-Michael-Martin-condemned-120-000-taxpayer-funded-legal-bid-MPs-expenses-secret
       Guardian - Michael Martin - Damian Green



THE LOST EDDIE MAIR INTERVIEWS:    DAEDALUS X. PARROT

EDDIE MAIR:
You're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?

DAEDALUS X. PARROT:
I have no time for Boris Johnson and I regard him as a two-faced, selfish politician, pretending to be a buffoon in order to cover up the fact that he really is a buffoon.

But I find it the height of nastiness and hypocrisy when you and your colleagues habitually show a blatant bias against centre right politicians while simultaneously showing a casual, cooperative attitude to left wing politicians.

If you regard the likes of Blair, Mandelson, Prescott, and Martin as not being nasty pieces of work, then I am proud to be so accused by you.