Friday, 22 October 2010

Spending Review: Which plan did they use? - Plan 9 from outer space!

Those geniuses from our in-touch and financially astute coalition government and their brainy, experienced, selfless civil servants came up with a cunning plan for the 2010 Spending Review ™.

Just to remind those from another planet, the immediate problems our country faced as at the time of the Spending Review in October 2010 were:
  • Huge existing debts
  • The need to borrow huge amounts each year
  • The need to print millions in monopoly money each year (they call it Quantitative Easing)
  • A ruinous, huge annual public sector spending.
  • Part of the public spending is down to the EU in terms of annual membership fees, lost business because of illogical EU rules, welfare payments being paid to the 100,000s of Poles, Lithuanians, Afghans, Iraqis, Indians and Pakistanis the EU forces us to import.

What was their solution? Guess which one of the following spending plans our enlightened masters chose:

Plan A - No cuts.
  • Keep spending at the existing £696 billion per year.

Plan B - Small cuts of 2% per year.
  • By 2014 we should be spending the same amount as 2008/09.

Plan C - Cuts of 5% per year.
  • By 2014 we should be spending the same amount as 2007/08.

Plan 9 from Outer Space - NO CUTS, but INCREASE spending.
  • Keep increasing the public sector spending EVERY year.
  • Keep borrowing MORE money each year.
  • Keep increasing the national debt each year.
  • Keep giving 100s of millions of pounds to India each year. India has a billion dollar space program and has just bought a multi-billion dollar aircraft carrier.
  • Keep giving billions to unproven "green" technologies which are not based on settled, empirical science and, in any event, will be completely useless against the global increase in CO2 emissions. By the way, CO2 is an essential plant food, it is not a poison!

[Hat tip to Richard North at]

Source Data
Public Sector Spending

2004–05 Actual £492.377 billion
2005–06 Actual £524.006 billion
2006–07 Actual £550.046 billion
2007–08 Actual £582.534 billion
2008–09 Actual £629.844 billion
2009–10 Estimate as at Jul 2010 £669.260 billion

2010–11 Planned £696.800 billion

2011-12 Forecast £701.8 billion
2012-13 Forecast £713.0 billion
1013-14 Forecast £724.2 billion
2014-15 Forecast £739.8 billion


Source documents

[1] Richard North's article on the Spending Review:

[2] H.M.Treasury's Spending Review document:
(see "Total Managed Expediture" on pages 17 and 77

[3] H.M.Treasury's document on previous actual spending:
Page 30 Table 1.11

[4] Indian government document on aid received from G8 countries

Thursday, 14 October 2010

What if the Chilean miners had been trapped in ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a British mine ...

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an American mine ...

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an EU controlled mine ...

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a North Korean mine ...

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an Afghan mine ...

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a Swiss mine ...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a British mine ...
  • Rail trade union boss, Bob Crowe, would declare the rescue tunnel was part of the tube rail network and then call a strike to shutdown the rescue because of "safety ishoos" (and ask for more pay).
  • Tony Blair would hog the television for days by making "They were the Peoples' Miners, who dug into our hearts .." speeches.
  • Gordon Brown would blame Margaret Thatcher for the situation.
  • No miners would be allowed out until an "X Factor" and "Britain's Got Talent" show had chosen which miner to rescue first.
  • The miners would die anyway because a new Health and Safety directive would forbid any rescue worker from working near a disaster scene.
  • Ten new QUANGOs would be created and would last for 10 years. They would be staffed by many incompetent civil servants, left-leaning academics and failed Labour politicians, on huge salaries and eye-watering, inflation-proof pensions. At the end of the 10 years, they would release 20 guideline documents, each at least 15,000 pages long.

    The document guidelines would ensure that:
    • The miners' human rights would not be breached.
    • The miners would have access to halal meat.
    • A diversity czar would be appointed to make sure the ethnic and other minorities are well represented in the cavern.
    • A global warming risk assessment is completed.
    • Lawyers and police are present to make sure the miners don't resort to Hate Speech.
    • Teams of care workers and psychiatrists are on hand in case the miners do resort to Hate Speech.
    • The miners must not be rescued because their CO2 would melt the glaciers.

    As a result, any miner who survived underground for those 10 years would be grateful to the nation for being a member of a diverse, halal-eating, green society.
  • Any relative of the miners who approached the Prime Minister would be arrested, shot or beaten up by the police.
  • Anyone who insisted on reading out a list of the miners' names, near Westminster and without a state permit would be arrested for breaching Britain's liberal anti-terrorist laws.

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an EU controlled mine ...
  • EU bureaucrats would prosecute the miners for spending more than eight hours on one shift.
  • The EU would levy an emergency "miners' rescue" tax on all EU citizens until the miners were safe or for 100 years, whichever is the longest.
  • The rescue would fail because all of the national leaders and EU bureaucrats would argue about which country sponsors the drill, which country sponsors the supplies, and so on.
  • Actually, the EU rescue wouldn't even start because EU regulations state that the mining accident is not officially an accident because no EU flag was flying over the mine at the time. The marxist bureaucrat who designed that rule would later be found dead in the Chilean quarter of Brussels, with several pickaxes in his head.
  • To prevent accidents like this happening again, the EU would make new directives that would force a new militarised EU police force to be deployed on all European streets. Any citizens stopped by these police who had no mining permits would be shot.
  • All elections in Europe would be suspended until the EU-wide trauma caused by the mining accident had subsided to a safe democratic level (or 100 years, whichever is the longest).
  • All EU bureaucrats would be granted a 200% pay rise because of the stress they endured.

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an American mine ...
  • They would name the operation "Shock and Ore", bomb the mountain until a crack appeared, pull out all of the miners' dead bodies, declare that they had succeeded in forcing democracy on them and send a bill for the bombs to the miners' widows.
  • or ... American special services would be sent in, they would throw grenades into the miners' cavern and then claim Osama bin Laden had killed them with a suicide bomber.
  • Wall Street bankers would create a complex hedge derivative trading instrument based on the favourite number of the first rescued miner's son and cause another mini recession.
  • Obama would prevent any rescue until a new raft of legislation had been passed that required all rescuers and miners to invest in state healthcare and pay green taxes.
  • Obama would make a presidential address on all TV stations describing how, if the miners are rescued, it would be entirely down to his tireless efforts and vision. However if any miners die, it would all be the fault of British Petroleum and the British Empire.
  • Mysteriously, the miners find that the first person to appear in the cavern is an ambulance-chaser lawyer.

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a North Korean mine ...
  • The state media would report that Kim Jong-il's brave eldest son had single handedly rescued all of the miners
  • ... using technology devised by his genius glorious leader of a father.
  • Communications from dissidents in North Korea report that no miners survived and that thousands of peasants died trying to dig the miners out with medieval tools.

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in an Afghan mine ...
  • The Taliban would suddenly appear in the cavern before anyone else.
  • The Taliban would take everyone hostage, set up a heroine purification factory in the cavern, along with a terrorist training camp and an islamic school.

If the Chilean miners had been trapped in a Swiss mine ...
  • It would have been over in 5 minutes because the Swiss would have built in clever rescue channels during the mining.
  • All the miners would survive.
  • Very few TV stations would report it because it happened so quickly and no one had ever been at risk.
  • The mine would reopen the next day to resume full production.
  • The miners happily go back to work the day after that.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Missing In Action - Anna Raccoon

This region of the blogosphere was shocked to discover that all traces of the formidable and much loved blogger Anna Raccoon have been erased.

Her website is no more, her facebook, twitter and email accounts have been deleted and little trace remains, apart from the few cached web pages in Google. It is almost as if she has suffered a systematic 1984-like purge from all known records.

Several long-time collaborators of Anna's have tried to contact her but no news of a reply has been received yet. Well, apart from this tweet from Obnoxio the Clown:
I am the bearer of foul news. Anna Raccoon has ceased blogging. She is fine, but has decided to give up blogging and has taken her site down
about 16 hours ago via TweetDeck
Retweeted by 1 person
Obnoxio The Clown

There are several theories:
    1. Just fed-up with blogging
    2. Legal pressure
    3. Health
    4. A joke
    5. She has a new job as Gordon Brown's assistant

If this is really the end of Anna's career, then her insight, humour, rigorous research and compassion will be much missed. I think there are few, if any, bloggers out there who could fill her boots.

Whether Anna's disappearance is permanent or not, I feel it would be prudent to protect her legacy. I think it would be a crime to deprive the web of her best posts.

So, does anyone wish to collaborate on an archiving project? If so, please use the email at my contact link. Similarly, if anyone wants to suggest or vote for the best of Anna's posts that they think should be preserved, then please also get in touch. We don't have much time as Google's cache eventually removes old posts.

== UPDATE 1 == [13-Oct-2010 20:50]
Gildas the Monk posted an excellent eulogy to Anna on Grumpyoldtwat's blog here: Ana Raccoon.

GOTY also mentioned the following:
Gotty says:
Anna is fine but for personal reasons she felt that now was the right time to quit blogging. Best wishes Anna for whatever you decide to do in the future .... and thank you ;-)

== UPDATE 2 == [14-Oct-2010 20:00]
Anna has written a farewell post here.

Rather sad but at least Anna is choosing a less stressful, happier life.

To Anna:
Many thanks for the hours of amusing, entertaining, beguiling, illuminating and surprising articles you provided for the legions of blogonauts. You most certainly made a difference, a very good one and have set the bar very high.

Take care, enjoy your life, you deserve it.
Bon Chance, Daedalus.

Sunday, 10 October 2010

10:10:10 Day! - Kill All Humans To Save The Planet

Well aren't we all excited and happy! Today is 10:10:10 day, yippee!

Yes, those thoughtful fans of child executions at 10:10 (who created that thoughtful Warmist propaganda snuff movie), have deemed that today is the day that we must save the planet by exploding children or some such activity.

You too can join these lovely, fluffy, tree-hugging do-gooders by signing up here: Sign Up to 10:10

The poor dears are really quite shy and have not worded their Sign Up page in the robust way that Warming Alarmists should do.

So as part of my bit to save the planet, here is my translation of their Sign Up web page in the language that they should have used:

It doesn't end there! Those 10:10 folks have also, very kindly, provided a clever web page that allows you to design your own poster, here: Make Your Own 10:10 Poster. (Hat tip to grumpyoldtwat)

Again, these lovely, fluffy hippies are just too modest to really express their true feelings, so I have made a couple of my own posters for them, above and here:

Monday, 27 September 2010

Bedtime Stories With the Milibands

The scene starts in a leafy, well-to-do street in the fashionable part of Primrose Hill.  It is early evening and inside a large house, Ma Miliband (known as Marion Kozak in her local progressive Marxist cooperative collective) is reading a bedtime story.

The sound of a child's music box can be heard playing some dissonant, atonal, Marxist-inspired "tune" and two earnest boys are in bed listening attentively to their mother ...

... and the peoples' warrior Gordon-the-Brown did bravely battle the big bad many-headed democratic monster but he was slain in a cowardly way by the nasty, capitalist, racist quislings.

There was great sorrow in La-La-Lab-Land and the good people of the Socialist tribe and the Tradunion tribe and the Internationalprogressivemarxist tribe and the Beebeecee tribe did rent their clothes and gnash their teeth at such terrible news ...

Oh Mummeeee, Mummeee, that is a very sad story, it reminds me of that tale you told us about poor old peoples' hero Pol Pot. But please Mummee, I must know, do you still love me?

Oh, my little bananakin, you are Mummy's special little banana and I shall always consider you in a special way. Here's a kiss from Mummy.

[sloppy wet kissing sound]

Mummee, Mummee you still love me don't you? I am the new gang leader now, so you must love me more than David.

Aaah, my little Red-Edikins. You are my favourite little progressive Marxist Leninist social democrat. Here let me give you a hug.

Mummee, Mummee it's not fair! Today, Ed's friends, those stupid fat bullies Derek Simpson and Charlie Whelan rigged the Labour gang election at school and ... and (sob) ... and ... he got them to beat me up. Boo hoo waaaahh. It's really unfair, I want to own a left of centre progressive Marxist gang.

Oh my poor little Bananakins don't cry. You must realise that there is no such thing as ownership but only responsible social democratic collective decision making and management by the workers' representatives. No-one "owns" a gang.

Now Redikins, say sorry to Bananakins for not following the agreed progressive social democratic procedures for the selection of the peoples' representatives.

Oh, all right then, I hereby agree to issue a clarification statement which will comply with the recommendations of the workers' remediation committee in order to convey ...

Oh how sweet my little Redikins, you can't even say a simple sorry in less than a thousand words. Daddy would be so proud of you.

Mummee, Mummeee am I still a brilliant progressive Marxist? Do you love me more than Bananakins?

Mummee, Mummee, that's not fair. You should love me more!

Oh my little liebkins, don't fret so. Do you remember when we went with Daddy on those Workers' Revolutionary Party family picnics to Karl Marx's grave? Do you remember the long drawn out monologues he and Uncle Laski would deliver to us on modern Marxist Leninist progressivism?

Well during one of those afternoons he explained to us that there is no such thing as love in a progressive egalitarian society which is organised along Marxist Leninist principles. "Love" is just a nasty bourgeois capitalist concept that causes inequality, exploitation of the workers, poverty and war.

Mummee! You used that nasty bourgeois word "family". Surely you mean "proletarian social unit"?

Er .. Mummee, will you have a word with those nasty boys in the Blair gang, they've been telling stories about how I'm geeky and too old to be living at home with you Mummee.

Oh don't be so silly Redikins, you're only 40 and Bananakins is only 45, you both need your Mummee to look after you.

Anyway it is time for sleepy time so I shall just turn the light out and say good night.

Mummee, can I have my fluffy stuffed Lenin to hug in bed please?

Yes my little darling ...

Mummee, can I have my bedtime banana please?

... and so we leave the Miliband household to a peaceful night's sleep.

NEXT WEEK: we listen in to the bedtime goings on in a windswept, bare, grey house in the Scottish Lowlands in Fife as the carer Sarah Brown takes the hand of her Gordon and helps him waddle up the stairs to his cot, changes his nappy and makes sure he takes his medication before singing him to sleep.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Those Tony Blair Memoirs


In an exclusive deal with Daedalus Parrot Publishing Inc., the long awaited memoirs of Anthony Blair, "Why I Was Right", will be serialised in this column over the next few minutes.

In this first instalment, Anthony describes how right he was.

Thank You

Before we proceed, some thanks are in order. I know, wise reader, you gave thanks to me in the past for all of the wonderful things I brought into this world. It is of course, as one of my key workers Alleystare Camp-Bell pointed out to me, very likely that you are one of the 100 million people who thanked me by voting for me in the United Britain election of 1997 and you are probably one of the billions of wonderful people on this planet who want me to be the World President.

So, as we embark on this account of my fantastic journey, I would like to take this opportunity to allow you to thank me again. And Cherry says don't forget to buy another copy of my book to give to a loved one.

In The Beginning

Beginnings are delicate things, many potentially great events founder on the slightest mishap at inception. Well you can thank The Lord himself that my beginning was so perfect. I came from an impeccable Noo Labor background, my mother was the daughter of a Glaswegian butcher and my father, the illegitimate offspring of English actors, was a peripatetic law lecturer. We lived 5 children to a room (or was it 5 rooms to each child) in a Georgian mansion in the cathedral precinct of Durham.

As a child I was a precocious, helpful young person who would always be ready to offer words of advice. I would often demonstrate my compassionate idealism by telling my mother how she could do the cleaning in a new third way. My father always showed an intense and emotional expression of surprise on his lined face when I would advise him about my human rights.

My parents loved me so dearly that they would often exclaim loudly to the heavens how much they couldn't stand how "full of it" I was. Such endearments only gave me more encouragement to tread the path that has led to this captivating book you are reading.

After an incident at Durham Cathedral's Choristers' School, my parents insisted I spend the rest of my impoverished upbringing at expensive boarding schools. This reinforced my compassionate idealism and sense of self-admiration.

My parents often remarked how glad they were that I was at boarding school and were only too happy to scrimp and save to pay for me to stay at school over the holidays.

The many school friends, that I think I had, would often stay away from me and never speak to me, if only to make it easier for them to stand back in awe at my demigod like looks and achievements.

My personal biographer, John Rentoul, remarked how much I was missed when I left school. "All the teachers I spoke to when researching the book said he was a complete pain in the backside, and they were very glad to see the back of him."

In my mind I know God intended me to be the remarkably wonderful World Leader that I am today. So it was only natural that I should have started my adulthood by creating the world's most fantastic boy band at school. I named the band the "Furtive Gropings". In the three and a half long arduous days of our existence, we did sellout tours of Acton and Neasden and went to number one in the pop charts at the Goldhawk Road secondhand record shop.

Legal Eagle

After these heady days came to an end, I started on my career as a World Leader by becoming a renowned lawyer. Derry Irvine, who ran our chambers was a wonderful mentor, he would often tell me how he feared the day I stepped into a courtroom. He said that as I was so "full of it" he would prolong my traineeship to defer my first case, "for the sake of the justice system".

He once shouted that I was so "horse-copulatingly awe full" that he would look forward to the day I started a career outside law. Readers should know that this legal jargon is the highest praise a world renowned lawyer can receive.

Compassionate Love

As I was having my lunchtime gaze into the mirror yesterday, I wondered about the other love of my life and recalled how Cherry and I met.

Just before Derry Irvine asked me to leave his law firm, he pointed out, in his own unique way, how much he admired me and asked me to do him just one favour before we parted. He told me of a "ferocious, foul-mouthed, useless, bolshy bint" who had just started working for him and who was causing untold problems in the office. Derry was of the opinion that she was a "frustrated harridan" who neeeded a "damned good seeing to and that this is the only way to calm down uppity slappers like her." These technical legal expresisons were actually affectionate words of praise for none other than my own dear, sweet Cherry.

This was the first I had heard of this wonderful woman and thereafter I would often hear similar energetic expressions of her startling abilities. As Derry suggested, we did go courting and we embarked on what the world now regards as the most intense, loving and respectful people's partnership ever seen.

Humble Birth of a Political Giant

The world can also thank dear, dear Derry for encouraging me to join the compassionate and idealistic world of politics. "Tony, you preening queer." he told me once, "Since you are such an elephant's appendage of a prima donna, why doncha join that bunch of pansies in the Tory party?"

When I tried to join my father's local Tory Association, their Chairperson very astutely noticed how talented I was. He kindly suggested that my talents would be wasted on the Tories and that as I "was so full of it" I should "join that shower down in the Labour Club.".

I joined the local Labour party and told them how I loved Karl Marx's Mein Kampf. They were very impressed and gave me the key role of clearing the empty glasses on Friday evenings.

Later on, I impressed both my colleagues and opponents when I single handledly almost won the 1982 bye-election in Beaconsfield. My Labour colleagues passionately congratulated me by way of the traditional Labour gesture of throwing tomatoes at me. They said that I was so good that I had even "lost the deposit" and halved my vote. This is, apparently, a great political achievement that very few Labour or Tory politicians have accomplished.

From then on, it was an effortless path to greatness as I smarmed, bitched and backbited my way to the leadership of Noo Labor.

I was also helped by my fragrant friend Petey Mandelslime, who I rather think fancied my handsome looks.

Why I Was Right About Gordon Brown

Look, I'm a compassionate kinda guy, you don't just chuck a mentally disturbed scottish psychopath and his carer wife out onto the streets where he won't be protected by MP expenses or attack-dog spin assassins. It isn't the Noo Labor way. It is common knowledge that I was right to show Christian charidee and give a token job to Gordon and his carer wife. The alternative would have been to witness them plunging into a life of normal work and living slightly luxurious life-styles.

Hence I gave them the insignificant job of Chancellor, which as anyone knows, is an undemanding job that requires making the occasional decision about petty cash.

Just to remind my dear reader (you are a very intelligent and lovely person for buying my book by the way, all proceeds go to my fantastic wife Cherry's favourite charidee), just to remind my really excellent readers, the real power is with the PM (that was me!) who makes all of the major war policies and who strides the global stage like a leviathan and always has at least 10 police outriders wherever he travels.

The trivial, unimportant decisions about petty cash, housing, public staff, etc. were left to someone who, well let's be frank here, I really love Gordon and his carer wife whats-her-name, but to be absolutely honest with ourselves in that sincere Noo Labor way, these kind of menial jobs, where no real harm can be done are best left to people like Gordon and his carer wife.

Why I Was Right About the Global Credit Warming Crunch

Gordon and his lovely carer wife were the people's house-keepers. And we all loved them dearly for it, what a fantastic job they did too: keeping the poor dependent on more and more benefits; putting more unfortunate unemployable misfits on the public payroll; giving away the national gold reserves at ridiculous prices to rich bankers; borrowing trillions; forcing northern banks to lend, lend, lend; viciously smearing and attacking any opponent. The deeply passionate Christian side of me looked on and wept at these magnificently generous acts of charidee. Gordon and his carer wife truly deserved a place in heaven, as soon as possible.

Sadly though, and I can't go into it in detail, but it was documented in a secret dossier, sadly, Gordon and his carer wife ignored my economic advice and decided to start the Global Credit Warming Crunch.

Unfortunately for the world, I was distracted at that time bestriding the global lecture stages, trying to save the world and bring democracee and lucrative speeches to the ears and minds of the generous after dinner circuits of the US of A. As you will see in the secret dossiers that will be made public in 100 years time, I told Gordon and good ol' George W Bush (my ardent admirer and the best US president ever) that the only way to stop the Global Credit Warming Crunch was to borrow more money. Sadly they ignored my advice, even though I was saving Western Civilisation at the time. And we now witness the mess we are in because my advice was ignored.

Of course I'm a decent kinda guy, I don't harbour any lasting grudge towards Gordon and his carer wife, they are after all only human and we must indulge them.

Why I am Not Inhuman

Many confused, and let's be quite frank here, many nasty conservative people accused me of war crimes. Yes it's kinda hard to believe in this age of fantastic education, education, education, but those poor deluded people actually thought my military actions of salvation in Iraq and Afghanistan were wrong.

Even my dear, dear friends in MI5 said I was right, I even knighted one of them, lovely John Starlett, for writing a groveling document to say I was right.

So, now everyone knows I was right about the war on terror. I should add that if I had still decided to stay in power, we would now also be at war with Iran, Syria, North Korea, Pakistan and Canada, helping to spread democracee.

Just think of the unprecedented amounts of happiness and the staggering democracee we could have spread in such wars, think of the Global Credit Warming Crunches that would not have happened, think of the scottish psychopaths that would never have been over promoted.

But we are forgiving, we know you are all only too human, the time will come when you beg us to come back to save you. Perhaps some of you could sign this petition to put me in my proper place:

The Nightmare for Britain as I had to Resign

Just as Christ, lovely guy by the way, I've read all his books, just as He had to face his Calvary, so too did I have to face my own Pharisees who gave their 40 pieces of silver to crucify Me the only saviour of the World.

Yes, even though the whole nation loved me as their people's Prime Minister, I had to leave. For reasons of security, you must trust me on this , for reasons of serious national security I cannot reveal why I was wonderful and why I left so suddenly and why I should have stayed in power for life, but let's just say this: I should not have left but I did.

Yes, this tragedy, in an all too biblical way, saw me being denied the chance to profit from more years of leading the free world (and freebies for Cherry!). So sadly we had to downgrade to a little multi-million dollar mansion in the Arabian quarter of London and live our modest lives.

My Enduring Legacee

Historians will write of my leadership as being fantastically better than Churchill's but they will only do this when they read the secret dossiers that Alleystare Campbell wrote and which, for national security reasons, will only be revealed in 100 years time.

Another part of my legacy to you wonderful discerning people is this, and I can't emphasise it more strongly, it is this: I Was Right, I Was Wonderful and I Will be Missed.

This has been Anthony Blair writing to you, you have been a lovely reader, you deserve the best, buy more copies of my book for your other houses. All proceeds go to mine and Cherry's favourite charidees. Some proceeds may go to families of soldiers I helped kill but Cherry is still making up her wonderful mind on that. She is a loving, selfless human being and she will do for the soldiers what I did for the Unided Kingderm. Mwah, luv ya, byeee.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

WHERE ARE THEY NOW? - No. 271 - Dame Petey Mandyslime of Goy

Another fascinating article in our series of short hackiographies of the faded stars of yesteryear who have been absent from the public eye.

Dame Petey Mandelslime of Goy was a consistently unpopular pantomime Dame who trod the stage in many third rate shows and risqué revues in Britain and on the continental circuits; she hogged the limelight for decades in an attempt to perfect her act but ended up only being remembered for her sinister sliminess and her jumbo-sized fibs.

Born to an undistinguished panto family, her birth name was Peter Mandelson, Petey spent many years learning her stagecraft from masters of the unsubtle and moronic performances that were the mainstay of Lefty Gang pantomime shows. She was brought up during the hey-day of Lefty Gang stage shows and was fascinated by the leading acts of the day such as KGB employee, Micko Foot and his infamous "Doddering Useless Leader" act and Big Jimbo Callaghan with his superb "Winter of Discontent" and "Wot Crisis?" stand-up routines and the ever unpopular Kneel Kinnock who wowed audiences with many classic routines like the Brighton Beach Splash-In and his "We're oooowwwwriiiiight!" catchphrase (also here).

An inspiration - Famous performers Kinnock, Foot and Callaghan in their prime at a panto festival at Blogthorpe in 1950

Despite learning from such accomplished clowns and fools, Mandybum never achieved the faint popularity that seemed to come so easily to her predecessors. Although she worked very hard to perfect her trademark act with the clever twisting of truths, the athletic back-stabbing and her unsurpassed ability to ooze slime, she was always the last act at the bottom of the bill.

Backroom Party Wonk
Constant failure prompted Petey to relaunch her act many times. She first tried to perfect the "Backroom Party Wonk" act in the 1990s where she would slide in unnoticed through back entrances at political meetings and attempt to persuade politicians to do what was wrong. But disaster struck when two of her on-off boyfriends, Tone Blair and Gordo Brown fell out over her two-facedness. They feuded and sulked for over a decade, dragging other Lefty Gang panto performers into a barely-suppressed civil war.

1992 to 2004 - Grand Old Labour MP from Oop North
Petey tried to perfect another stage act as "Grand Old Labour MP from Oop North" but this failed to get the electorate's interest and, to be frank, she was very unconvincing as she pranced around the Hartlepool Hippodrome trying to entertain northern labourers in the matinee performances.

1997 to 1998 - Camp Cabinetier
In 1997, Tone Blair won the exclusive franchise rights for running all pantomime shows in Britain. Mandelslime was rewarded by Tone for her long years of subterfuge and spin by being given a part in the "Camp Cabinet" show. However she continued to indulge in her weakness for blatantly hurling sharp objects into innocent people's backs and was witnessed at the scene of the particular violent drive-by back stabbing of famous cancer sufferer, the saintly Mo Mowlem.

As the panto season progressed, Petey gained fewer friends and more enemies in the Lefty Gang show and she was eventually sacked by Tone for telling more porkies. It became known that she had lied to a Building Society in order to purchase a glamour bachelorette pad to entertain her gentlemen friends. However she failed to tell them that she had received a "loan" from a nice friendly old businessman, a Mr Robinson, in exchange for secret favours. Petey was very unrepentant but was forced to leave the "Cabinet" show by Gordo's friends.

1999 to 2001 - Ulster Queen
Petey spent many months in the wilderness and was desperate to try another act. Then, willing as ever, her old flame Tone gave her one. She tried for a few performances touring Ulster in her "Irish Secretary" act. During this time she became very friendly with some charming exotic gentlemen from the East, the Hinduja Brothers, who plied her with money and charms. She foolishly gave the gentlemen some VIP passes which was strictly against the house rules and when she tried to lie her way out, Tone had to reluctantly cancel her act again.

2001 to 2004 - More Wilderness Years at Camp Mandy
There followed a protracted period where no Lefty Gang shows had any openings for Petey. No matter how desperately she tried to get into any openings, the twice-disgraced Dame would be given the bum's rush at every attempt.

2004 to 2008 - Lord High Continental Panjandrum
Eventually she cadged another favour from her old flame, Tone Blair, who found an attractive, well oiled opening for her in Brussels. She became a high ranking star in the lucrative, long running Euro Panto where she played the Lord High Continental Panjandrum and obtained the odd chuckle from audiences when she pretended to do trade negotiations about bras and ladies' shoes with the Chinese. During this time she met a new boyfriend from Brazil and they shared a glamorous apartment in the fashionable Fagguettes area of Brussels.

Although she and her boyfriend became astoundingly rich from this gig, she still longed for the traditional betrayal, thuggery, blackmail and nastiness of the good old Lefty Gang Panto in the West-mincer Palais. She often remarked on how she missed the exotic costumes, the stars in their eyes, the treachery in their hearts, the blackness of their souls and the daggers in their backs.

After many years enjoying an exclusive, luxurious lifestyle that most normals would prostitute themselves for, Petey moved back to London, hoping that one of her old flames might give her another opening to fill.

2009 - Exalted Supreme Nabob of all the Known Universe
As bad luck would have it, her old on-off beau, Gordo, who had taken over the management of the Lefty Gang show, was having various relationship problems and he had a gap that desperately needed filling, so he summoned Petey for an intimate chat. As a result, Petey was given the main billing at the West-mincer Palais in her most prominent and slimy act to date; she was given the huge role of "First Secretary of State, Lord President of the Council and Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills". Many objected to Petey being given this high honour when the audience hadn't even voted for her. But with her typical air of entitlement and disdain for "democracy" she continued in her slimy act with not a care for anyone.

This was the pinnacle of Petey's career and she played the role with all the over-the-top ham acting, smugness and campiness she could muster. She became a household name in all media and West-mincer Bubble households while the rest of the country continued to suffer huge tax rises, falling standards and shouted obscenities and threw things at her.

2010 - Careering to a Slimy End
Petey and the other members of the Lefty Gang show suffered bad reviews and falling audience numbers. Eventually, to everyone's relief, the Lefty Gang show was cancelled in May 2010. As she packed her carpet bags to leave the West-mincer Palais and gazed once more in her favourite bejewelled mirrors, Petey still felt she could achieve greater fame and, although saddened by yet more cock ups, she still desperately tried to make another comeback.

The rival "Lib Con All-Blinging All-Prancing" show had just moved from the shadow theatres to start a short run at the West-mincer Palais. Its main stars, Davo The Cameroon and Niko Klegg became very popular with a few unimaginative journalists. Petey felt some of that stardom should be his and attempted to make indelicate propositions to the unworldy Cameroon. It all ended in embarrassment as Dave Cameroon had to seek a court order to stop Petey stalking him.

Cameroon's pretty wife, Sambo was viciously attacked by Petey after a cocktail evening on the terrace bar at the Palais. She suffered many scratches and ended up having to defend herself by grabbing Petey's favourite poodle and throwing it at Petey.

Fairy Tale Ending
As Petey slid into obscurity again, she tried to climb back to fame by having a ghost written book of Lefty Gang fairy tales published. Her ghost writer described strange and sinister goings on in the fabled land of "Future Fair for All", with stories like:
   - Gordon the grumpy ogre
   - Tony the fairy princess
   - Babe Millibands in the wood
   - The Golden Goose that sold bullion at a loss
   - The government full of Pinnochios whose noses grew longer for 13 years
   - 646 little piggies whose house expenses and ACA allowances were blown down by the big bad wolf of West-mincer
   - Jack and the Beanstalk. A tale of tiny Jack the voter and Prescott the Giant. Tiny Jack the voter struggled to avoid being squashed or eaten alive by Prescott the Giant who was a large greedy, bad-tempered, stupid, really greedy giant and who amassed too much money and too many large mansions.
   - The Faerie Queen. Some reviewers felt this sad tale was the only sincere piece of autobiography in the book.
   - The Evil Witch Queen and the Innocent Electorate. Other reviewers disagreed and felt that this tale of dark deeds was the only sincere piece of autobiography in the book.

Fortunately only wonks, journalists and obsessives bought this excruciatingly bad book.

After this failure, Petey had to content herself by occasionally appearing on Newsnight in that boring discussion bit with has-been performers at the end. She also petitioned the "Womans Hour" producer to do a piece on nail varnish but was told she was too girly for their robust, fat feminist editorial style.

Soon after that, Petey died of botox poisoning. Some suspect it was a deliberate act of assassination by one of the estimated 60 million people who hated her. Her funeral was attended by her housekeeper and her poodles.

Friday, 11 June 2010


Extract from the "Z to Z Encyclopaedia of Z-List Biographies"

Hilarious sibling performers who entertained millions with their comical antics.

Their parents Tonia Blair and Gordon Brown were brought up in the bleak poverty stricken Old Labour lands and after the (well deserved) "Thatcher" massacres, emigrated to New Labour where they thrived and made it big in the vaudeville theatres of the BBC.

Their father Gordon changed his name to Karl Marx and helped nurture their comical ability. In later years, he disappeared into an asylum and was never heard from again.

These powerful early influences helped create the zany slapstick entertainers we see today.

There were five brothers in the original stage act:

Grouchy [né Ed Balls]
Harpie [né Diane Twoface Abbott]
Cheeko (né Dave Banana Milliband ]
Zeppo [né Ed Wonkspeak Milliband]
Gummo [né Andy Who Burnham]

There was a sixth brother who sadly died in his infancy:

Mannie [né John "Arsinator" McDonnell)

They became very successful in the 2000's and received rave reviews in their regular Broadway (Shepherds Bush) appearances: "Labour Conference 2005", "Goldiggers of 2006", "Tax'n Spenders 2007" and many more.

Most of the public are only aware of the three older brothers Grouchy (Ed Balls), Harpie (Diane Abbott) and Cheeko (Dave Milliband) who went on to greater fame on the screen with their finely tuned routines.

Who can forget Cheeko's hilarious and skilled performance with his banana as he gave the impression of someone speaking drivel, like anyone was really interested. Or Grouchy's (Ed Balls) clever use of double-speak as he backtracked on major policies within hours of asserting the complete opposite. And of course Harpie was a favourite, often regarded as the "dumb" one, she later wrote of her angst-ridden times as a parent sending her child to a private school in the best interests of the taxpayer.

Cheeko was so-called because of the endearing way he always held his tongue in it. His famous banana act made him the worldwide laughing stock of the day. However his world wide exposure and his delusion of his own popularity almost split the brothers but they were reconciled when he later took pity on Harpie and helped her with her act by sponsoring her in the notorious "Nomination Papers".

Harpie (Diane Abbott) was well known as a polished rent-a-quote performer on the Westminster circuit and she could be counted on to opinionate on anything, especially things she knew nothing about. At one time analysts observed that she even made more TV appearances than the "Grand Old Man" of rent-a-gobs, Stephen Pound the Labour MP for Ealing North with his regular afternoon Housewife's Favourites slot on Sky News.

Many accused the brothers of "being the same" and some referred to their oxbridgeness but Harpie cleverly differentiated herself from her siblings by showing a carefully crafted hypocrisy, fake Afro-ness and succeeded in becoming loathed for her smug double act with the famous BBC clown Slimy Portillo.

The other two brothers, Zeppo (Ed Milliband) and Gummo (Andy Burnham), are hardly recognised by the public these days. They lacked the intense sense of self-worth and rank hypocrisy that set their older brothers in a league of their own.

When interviewed recently, Zeppo (Ed Milliband) recounted the many times that people would tell him "A table for two please waiter.". It seemed that the more he desperately sought fame the further it would slip from his grasp.

Gummo (Andy Burnham) was even more unknown to the wider electorate. He was frequently frustrated by having to remind political editors that he didn't work for the Cleggo Troupe across the road and was in fact the "Fresh Blood" in the New Labour Act.

Even though many have seen their act countless times, the Brothers never fail to raise a laugh or a chuckle. Many DVD compilations are sold of their brilliant performances and will be cherished way into the next few days.

Another bad performance - Grouchy Marx worked with a faded cross dressing actress for a while. Both desperately sought attention but were rebuffed by the voters.

The Marxist Brothers and relatives on a family outing

Cheeko's famous "Banana" stage act

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

HISTORY IN THE MAKING Pt1 - The First Coalition Prime Minister's Questions

The following is an approximate transcript from today's Prime Minister's questions. It is the first PMQs held by the Cami-Knicker Coalition:

SNEAKER BERCOW - Order, order. The Prime Minister.

CAMERON - Mr Sneaker, before I answer any questions, I ask that the house pay their respects to the following who lost so much in enemy actions since the last parliament:

   Jacquie Smiff, Third Warwickshire Troughers
   Alistair Darling, Fifth House Flippers,
   Elliot Morley, Royal Welching Fake Mortgagees
   David Chaytor, Coldstream Blackguards
   Hazel Blears, CGT Avoidance Regiment
   Baronness Uddin, Royal Expense Engineers and Fabricators
   Lord Truscott, East Anglian Corrupt Scumbags
   Margaret Moran, Southampton Phantom Homemakers
   Douglas Hogg, Honourable Moat Squadron,
   Diddy Alan Duncan, Household Gardening Division (Uphill)
   Davd Cameron, Wisteria and Second Home Spongers
   Nick Clegg, Light Footed Hypocrites

   ... (continues reading from the list of troughers and liars from the Telegraph Book Of Crooked MPs )

   and lastly, David Laws, although spin doctors expect a rapid recovery.


CLEGGY - Will the Prime Minster agree with me that we are all lovely, saintly MPs and that we must encourage more skilled, honest and hardworking people to take up this hard job of ours. Will he therefore agree that this can be achieved by increasing all of our pay and expenses immediately.

CAMERON - Mr Sneaker, I quite agree with the honourable gentleman and indeed we are drafting a bill which will double our pay and expenses and also grant us a "Telegraph" bonus to compensate us for the many months of misery caused by that disgraceful newspaper. The Coalition cabinet feel that such a move would boost morale throughout the country, especially amongst the honest, hardworking taxpayers.

BERCOW - Mr Laws.

LAWS - Can I have my job back yet?

CLEGGY - No. I have a huge repsect for my extremely honourable friend, who is well regarded for his huge amounts of integrity and cash. However he must realise that he was caught out good and proper by the Telegraph and so must be seen to be punished in the same way as a taxpayer oik would be.

LAWS - Ooh er.

BERCOW - Mr Harman.

HARMAN - Will the Prime Minister please state how many people of a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, blairosexual and prescott-asexual nature have been appointed to his new cabinet?

CAMERON - We are certain that the numbers of such people are along the same lines as her own previous cabinet. The honourable lady need not fear that we will let any normal people into the cabinet. Why, just last week we took extra measures to appoint more public school and oxbridge MPs to the cabinet, most of whom fall into the categories you mentioned.

The honourable lady will also be pleased to hear that we will refuse to appoint any of those ghastly oiks from grammar schools or who have exposure to life outside of politics.

HARMAN - That is good news, thank you Prime Minister.

BERCOW - Mr Laws.

LAWS - Can I have my job back yet, pretty pleeeease?

CLEGGY - No. My honourable friend must realise that the gay mafia are still screaming about homophobia. Letting you back in now will only give the voters the jitters about there being a gay mafia, so we must wait a for a considerable period of time before making such a decision.

LAWS - Oh.


ED AND DAVE - Blah blah blah wonkspeak blah blah fnnaar blah blah fzzzzz msssssss jjjjjjjjjj blah blah shshshgggg jjjjl blah blah blah blah and furthermore, blah blah wonkspeak blah blah fnnaar blah blah fzzzzz msssssss jjjjjjjjjj blah blah shshshgggg jjjjl blah blah blah blah.

CAMERON - Mr Sneaker, the honourable gentlemen do not know what they are saying, and neither do we.


CORBYN - Will my fellow socialists in the tory and lib dem benches opposite join me in furiously denouncing all of the fascist bigots who hold outrageous mild views on immigration.

CAMERON - Mr Sneaker it is well known that normal people throughout this country harbour sickeningly mild views against mass immigration and they just show how out of touch they are with the reality in the Westminster bubble. All of us in the House must have watched in horror as our poor ex-Prime Minister was ambushed by that monstrous bigot Gillian Duffy with her appalling common attitudes.

I ask that all in the House join me in expressing our deepest sympathy to Gordon Brown.

We do propose to stamp out this vile thinking by introducing the following measures:
- by increasing Nulabour's mass immigration quotas
- by making more jobs unavailable to those already born here
- by banning use of he word "immigration" outside Westminster and making it punishable under the anti-terror acts.

CORBYN - Praise Lenin, thank you comrade.

LAWS - Can I have my job back yet?

CLEGGY - No, a decent period of reflection must be undertaken before such a move would be acceptable. Will lunchtime tomorrow be OK?

LAWS - Yep, suits me squire.

BERCOW - Mr Darling.

DARLING - Thank you Mr Sneaker. Will the new Prime Minister please join me in thanking the last chancellor who, between 2008 and 2010, showed great courage, ingenuity, forsight and dedication in creating the world's most successful economy.

CAMERON - Mr Sneaker, the honourable gentleman implemented some disastrous and comical economic policies. We applaud his work in this area and, as he will see, we propose continuing his ruinous policies and we will implement tiny cosmetic adjustments that will continue to increase our debt by £150 billion per year.

DARLING - Brilliant, thank you.

CAMERON - Darling, do you fancy coming round to No.10 for drinks later?

DARLING - Why, Prime Minister, yes I'd be delighted.

CAMERON - No, not you! I was talking to Cleggy.

Saturday, 29 May 2010

Westminster gay couple convicted over £40,000 fraud

Original photo: Hat Tip to Dizzy, who got it from @TimMontgomerie, who got it from @Marthakearney, who got it from here:

Infamous "lovers' nest" fraudsters Dave Cameron and Nickers Clegg were jailed today at the Central Criminal Court at the Old Saimey for their "astounding" series of frauds and daylight robberies on taxpayers.

The senior detective from the investigation team said "When you add up their long list of crimes such as letting Nobby Brown run his Downing St gang for 13 years unhindered, running a protection racket with the EU syndicate and, worst of all, letting that buffoon Prescott into the Lords, it could cost each taxpayer upto the tune of £40,000 a year."

The gay couple were unrepentant as they took many photo calls in their publicity stunts. It is suspected that they may be part of the sinister "Westminster ring" of crooks who detectives say could number upto 650 and are known to be lying, hypocritical bastards.

Democracy campaigner Robert Mugabe said this kind of thing is disgraceful and that they should learn lessons in good governance and accountability from beacons of integrity like Zimbabwe and Afghanistan.

In the summing up, Lord Chief Justice Cherie Blair said "it is not clear which one of you was on top but it is quite clear: neither of you is above the Laws".

David Laws' boyfriend was unavailable for comment today.

Friday, 28 May 2010

Cami-Knicker Coalition

The Cameron/Nick coalition sounds like and has many similarities to cami-knickers:
  • Soft
  • Silky
  • Frilly
  • Smooth
  • Easily torn
  • Made for tarts
  • Full of tarts
  • Barely cover unmentionables
  • Impractical for normal use
  • Very expensive for what they are
  • Contribute to those involved getting shafted

Although I wish the Cami-Knickers well for the benefit of the country, it doesn't look good when we realise how cheaply Cameron has sold my ex-party's right-of-centre principles to the first manipulative opportunist he met.

I hope I'm wrong, for all our sakes.

Friday, 21 May 2010

Scientists Create New Artificial Life Form "Cameronis-Upcleggarse"

20 May 2010 - From our dumbed-down-science correspondent

The world of Political Science was in turmoil yesterday as researchers announced that they have created a new artificial political life form in a politically clean environment in the famous Coalition laboratories in Downing Street.

Analysts speculate that this revolutionary organism could be an invaluable tool in the fight by politicians against unpleasant diseases like democracy, accountability and popular sentiment.

The ingenuity of the scientists was revealed in a press conference where senior political scientist Dr Mandelslime described how his team had created this new life-form, called "Cameronis-Upcleggarse".

Scientists created the new slimy mold by sucking out and throwing away the nucleus of the common Conservatii organism and replacing it with the DNA from the rabid Yellow Libdemionis bacterium. The resulting cells responded poorly to various electoral tests such as manifesto commitments, but scientists hope they can manipulate the public into thinking this new form of life is a "Stable and Secure" government.

Monday, 17 May 2010

What Mugs!

Many thanks to Anna Raccoon and Ciaran for alerting us to some truly horrific choices in chinaware.

A Clegg/Cammy Coalition commemorative mug is on sale here:
Coalition Tankard - "The Coalition Government - A New Era of Hope""

and for heaven only knows what reason, a "Gordon Brown as PM" commemorative mug is on sale here:
Gordon Brown Mug - "Gordon Brown Prime Minister 27th June 2007"

Unfortunately the manufacturers seem to have made many errors in their design. I have tried my best with the limited tools at my disposal to correct these defects (being an unemployed scumbag, I only have the basic, free, picture editing software, Microsoft "Paint"). My amateur efforts are shown above.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Dear Gordon, ...

(Tue 11th May 2010, 19:20 - Gordon Brown has handed his resignation in, at last.)

Open Letter to Gordon Brown

Dear Gordon,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, for doing the only decent thing in your miserable, lying, crooked life.

But let’s not forget the huge list of things to thank you, Tony, Peter, Alleystare and all of your supporters, this is a short list of some of the wonderful things you have destroyed since 1997.

Just to remind you, in 1997:
  • We had a decent pension system that enabled retired people to live independently of the state.

  • We had a stable society with low immigration.

  • We had affordable house prices.

  • We had a working democracy that was free of corrupt “postal” voting.

  • Many mothers had the freedom to not work so that they could bring up their children.

  • We had a good education system that put our children in the top ten best educated countries in the world.

  • We had low unemployment.

  • We had low debts.

  • We had low taxes, our companies had low taxes so they could afford to employ us.

  • We had police “forces” (not “services”) and they were led by coppers, not politicised graduates.

  • We had a successful set of controls to keep the banks safe.

  • We had low, affordable council taxes.

  • We had our bins emptied every week, with no fuss.

  • We had no knife crime.

  • We had killers, rapists and drug dealers sent to prison.

  • We had a politically neutral civil service.

  • We had never been accused of war crimes.

  • We had never been accused of helping torturers.

  • We had a successful economy.

  • We had a large propsperous fishing fleet.

  • We had a large prosperous farming sector.

  • We had an industrial capacity twenty times the size that it is today.

  • We used to decide our own laws in the Houses of Parliament (not in Brussels).

  • We had a majority of MPs in parliament who did not lie on their expenses.

  • We had some of the best and oldest civil liberties in the world as protected by Magna Carta, Habeas Corpus, “Trial By Jury” and “Innocent Until Proved Guilty”.

Thank you for destroying all of these.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so very very much.

Your memories will always be associated with lying, corruption, crookedness, greed, spite, unnecessary wars, ethnic cleansing and bankruptcy.

Aren’t you proud?

Monday, 3 May 2010

Gordon Brown bomb found smouldering in Times-Over Square in Non York.

Police were alerted by reports of foul and sinsiter smells coming from an abandoned vehicle in Times-Over Square in Rochdale, Non York (Lancashire), home of that well-loved Naggy Granny, Gillian Duffy.

The car, a "Gordon Brown" model from the NooLab factory, was immediately cordoned off by police as smoke billowed out of its badly engineered Ballsworth engine.

The authorities sent in specialist political journalists wearing hardened spin-proof suits that can withstand thousands of KiloMandelsons of radiation on the BS scale.

After much painstaking research, investigators discovered that the Gordon Brown had been deliberately primed with an initiating trigger fuse made from Real-voter a substance known by scientists to be very destructive to Remote Politicians. They suspect that the bomb designers hoped this would detonate the large number of ten gallon drums filled with that well known high explosive Revelatio Truthio.

This chance discovery helped many innocent passers-by to esscape a ghastly death from a high taxplosive mutually assured destruction. Experts say that many millions more could have been injured by flying policies and loss of democracy.

Senior politicians are avoiding unsecured public places in case they get exposed to normal people.

Admiral Gordon Horatio Brownblower and the Tale of the Bath Squabbles

Gordon Brownblower had arrived fresh from his success at the Battle of Madrid to the Port of Bristol to face his ancient enemies Marshal de Clegg and the Duc Cameron.

The battle raged for 90 minutes with both sides sparing no cliche or condascension. Innocent civilians were caught in the artillery blasts of idiocy and banality. Many, sadly, fell asleep and some even succumbed to attacks of nausea.

A spectacular victory for the righteous forces of NuLab were finally achieved as Admiral Brownblower sent his message of triumph to the leaders of the defeated forces “I watch boys in the bath, stop squabbling”.

It was over at last, our sacred land of Noolabeur was safe from another attempted invasion by the evil forces of Yellow Socialism and Rinsed-Blue Socialism. Lonng may our Red Socialism, which is slightly different to theirs, prevail.

(Apologies to C.S.Forester)

Originally published after the "Leaders' Debate" 23-Apr-2010

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Victory for Admiral Gordon Horatio Brownblower at the Battles of Madrid and Santander

Part 13 of the Brownblower Napoleonic Wars series in which our hero, Admiral Gordon Horatio Brownblower courageously fights the good fight to impose the Napoleonic Code of EU law on the hated enemy, the Bourgoisie of Angleterre.

The weather was fine and the Easter holiday period had arrived. Those nasty bourgois petit-angleterreurs and their nasty, carbon producing children had got up to their usual vile tricks by taking part in holiday activities and enjoying themselves in many pleasure resorts across the world. This of course violates the revered EU directive subclause RU12 which compassionately forbids all middle and working class scum from flying anywhere. This is a subclause of the popular EU Directive UR12 which forbids, for the benefit of the wider community, any enjoyment, freedom or democracy in the Angleterre region.

High Panjandrum Lord Admiral Von Rompuy despatched an order via the Eurocontrol department to stop all aeroplanes from flying and then sent his best commander, Admiral Gordon Horatio Brownblower to lead a squadron of civil service departments to block any counter attack.

Many of the Bourgoisie resorted to a rarely used skill that Gordon's captains had tried to stiffle, namely their initiative. Reports from Brownblower's craven scouts, the BBC, confirmed that thousands of Bourgoisie were clubbing together to hire coaches to return home. Some were also hiring cars to take them the thousands of miles to Calais.

Gordon assembled his chosen band of captains to lead the attack, many were from the order of St Socialist-sycophant and others were holders of the Meddle (sic) of Foreign Office Marxism. They cleverly sent false rumours that fleets of rescue coaches would arrive at Madrid airport and that the bourgois would then be liberated via the port of Santander to scurry to their horrid little island of Angleterre.

The ingenious plan then unfolded as 1000's of unwitting Petit-Angleterreurs were lulled into Gordon's Madrid and Santander traps. Huge 5-mile long queues formed at checkout desks and quaysides as the wailing children, tired parents and exhausted pensioners fought for non-existent tickets home.

Gordon then unleashed his final coup by sending the Good ship HMS Albion to Santader and mockingly took on board a few chosen colalborators, leaving the thousands of Angleterre scum helpless on the quayside. The pincer movement was completed when news reached the British holiday makers that the relief coaches bound for Madrid didn't exist at all and were but another New Labour ploy.

There is talk in the imperial court of Brussels that Brownblower could be rewarded with a ceremonial election defeat followed by the inevitable, jammy appointment as High EU Commissioner for Killing of Joys at the Directorate for Interferance, Nannying and Suppression.

Footnote: (From Daedalus's Shambolic Book of Definitions)
Napoleonic Code - The body of law created by Napoeon Bonarpart which is the basis for EU law and the Lisbon Treaty. It differs from the scumbag Angleterre laws in that the Napoleonic Code only allows citizens to take part in an activity if it is on pre-defined list. The Napoleonic citizen can only do things with permission of the state. Anglo Saxon law is the inverse of this, it allows the free men and women of the land to take part in any activity, with the exception of those activities listed as crimes. Hence the state seeks permission from the subject to prevent an activity.

(with many abject apologies to C.S.Forester)

A Quangocrat in Amber

The occurence of (yet another) unprecedented national disaster, the ash cloud, has thrown the spotlight on Deirdre Hutton, a prime example of New Labour's politicised and incompetent civil service and quango "elite".

The discovery of various random insects captured in amber from millions of years ago is of great use to scientists. We voters are offered a similar opportunity to study a typical New Labour "impartial" civil servant who was suddenly captured by the amber of a national disaster.

She started out in life as an interfering left wing political activist and has had virtually no experience of working in the private sector.

Deirdre also has NO experience of aviation and NO experience of engineering ... So what job do you think she is best suited for? Well, it seems she is the ideal person for the most senior aviation job in this country of course, Chairman of the Civil Aviation Authority. When she started her job in Aug 2009, she was burdened with working two days a week for £130,000.

It was our Deirdre who stood next to the Transport Minister yesterday (20th April) and read out the announcement of Britain's climb-down over the ash cloud no-fly zone.

Deirdre's Significant Roles
Observers of our failing civil service under New Labour will not be surprised to learn that Deirdre has, coincidentally (or is it?), been in charge of the following public sector bodies at the time of various national disasters and problems:

Civil Aviation Authority - During our recent "No Fly" disaster and at the time that flight taxes were increased again in 2009.

Financial Services Authority - at the time major decisions were not made in the lead up to the Credit Crunch. Derdre was also deputy direcor at teh Treasury.

Food Standards Agency - At the time of a scare concerning avian flu getting into the food chain and also at the time a controversial decision was made about Genetically Modified foods.

The CV of Deirdre, New Labour's Quango Queen.

In her youth:
Left-wing political activist, arrested in South Africa.

Appointed to the Arts Council in Scotland "largely because of her interest in chamber music" (see Ref-01 below).

Worked for the Financial Services Authority

2002 - 2004:
Deputy chairman of the Financial Services Authority

Chairman of the Food Standards Agency
"A Cabinet meeting at the start of the year, which included Gordon Brown, the chief scientist Sir John Beddington and the then chairman of the FSA, Dame Deirdre Hutton, is understood to have concluded that Britain’s official stance of opposition to GM crops had to be altered.

Cabinet papers leaked at the time showed the government appeared to be ready to go ahead with GM crops despite what it recognised would be considerable public resistance." (See Ref-04)

Dec 2006
Ed Balls announces that Deirdre's non-executive directorship and deputy chairmanship of the Financial Services Authority is extended until December 2007. (see Ref-03)

Feb 2007:
"The Food Standards Agency is investigating whether poultry from a Bernard Matthews' production site infected with the avian influenza virus (H5N1) entered the UK food chain and is being sold in stores.

The revelation, made yesterday by Deirdre Hutton, chairperson of the FSA board" (See Ref-05)

Autumn 2008
Advisor for a review into privatisation of the Royal Mail in 2008 with Richard Hooper and Ian Smith.
(See Ref-08)

Non-executive director of the Treasury

Mar 2009:
Appointed to the Board of the CAA.
"Currently chairman of the Food Standards Agency" (see Ref-02 below).

Aug 2009 to present:
Chairman of the CAA. She has no aviation or engineering experience and virtually no business experience.

Other Roles
Chairman of the National Consumer Council
Chairman of the Scottish Consumer Council
Deputy chairman of the European Food Safety Authority.
member of the Better Regulation Task Force.
Chairman of the Foresight Panel on the Food Chain and Crops for Industry
Chairman of the Food Chain Centre
Member of the Policy Commission on the Future of Farming and Food (the Curry Commission)
Deputy Chairman, European Food Safety Authority
Vice Chairman of the European Food Safety Authority.
Member of the Better Regulation Task Force until June 2005.
Advisor to the Social Market Foundation
Chairman of the Personal Investment Authority Ombudsman Bureau.

Personal Interests
(see Ref-07 below)

Dierdre's son Nicholas Hutton is a researcher for Jo Swinson, Lib Dem MP for East Dunbartonshire.

Shares in GlaxoSmithKline, Tesco, Unilever, BskyB, and Scottish Radio to a value of approximately £43,500

Close family members hold shares in GlaxoSmithKline, ICI, Tesco, Scottish & Newcastle, Unilever and Marks & Spencer to a value of approximately £88,000

Clubs and other organisations
Forum UK, a club for senior women in UK, some of whom are in th food and related industries

Comments and Quotes
"Dame Deirdre will serve as non-executive chair, working approximately two days per week at the CAA. Her appointment is for five years and will initially be at a salary of £130,000 per year."
(See Ref-02 below)

When Deirdre was asked about the FSA's culpability for the Credit Crunch, she replied:
"I look back and think what were the things I let go through and where I should have thought a bit harder. What are the things I missed? It's the same with every regulator. You are not floored by the things you know about. You are floored by the things that come in from left-field. It's very difficult in the long run to get it right."
(see Ref-01 below)

Deirdre said this about her CAA appointment
"When I was approached to think about this job my reaction was: 'Why do you want me to get involved in aviation? I don't know anything about aeroplanes.'
But there are a lot of things that are transferable. My main interest, I realise after quite a long time working, is making organisations work properly."
(see Ref-01 below)

Deirdre in full Marxist-Speak mode:
“Conflicts can arise in the pursuit of sustainable development between the short-term interests of consumers, and their longer-term interests as citizens.
The report examines the nature of conflicts and suggests that it is essential that these are identified and explained and that processes are set in place to resolve them”.
Deirdre Hutton CBE Chairman of the Scottish Consumer Council
Monday 24 January 2000
(See Ref-06 below)










Tuesday, 20 April 2010

New Icelandic-like Cash Clouds Detected Over Westmonster

The recent volcanic like Cash Cloud eruptions that have devastated the Icelandic economy are now thought to be affecting the cosy south-east village of Westmonster.

Elliot Morley, a Westmonster resident and local expenses-herder of some repute, was reported by expert cash investigators at Southwark Crown Court as having witnessed large amounts of cash which is known as "Legalaid" in his local dialect.

Researchers encountered other local residents, David Chaytor and Jim Devine, who are thought to have told lawyers that they also saw large "legalaid" cash clouds. Some readers may know of these phenomena by other names like "taxpayers' cash" or "my b****y money, you thieving ba*****s".

The testimony of these locals is in some doubt as they are also known to have made eccentric claims of expenses-abduction in the past. This has become quite a common occurrence in the Parliament area of Westmonster where local ignorant windbags claim to have seen mysterious phantom mortgages, toilet seats, porn films or even moats and then make exraordinary expense-abduction claims.

Cash clouds have caused huge disruption to political fellow-travellers in the past as many flights of fancy get cancelled in such conditions at Westmonster. Those worse affected include local gang-masters Gordon "Boom 'n Bust" Brown, Dave "Cast-Iron" Cameron and Nicholas "Who?" Clegg. They have had to cancel many flights of fancy as the destructive side effects of the cash clouds, known to experts as "public opinion", revealed the weaknesses of their political vehicles.

Thursday, 25 February 2010


BULLYING SHATTERS LIVES - Help stop it now ...

The sea of human misery is increasingly deluged by the bitter torrents of bullying in our otherwise wonderful, modern, new-labour society. Listen to these tragic stories, if they touch your heart, help protect the future victims of bullying and take action now.

Gordon's story

Gordon is a disabled scotchman who was partially blinded in a tragic sporting accident. He has been living in London for several years on measly MP expenses and is so poor, he has to share the funding of his three houses with the taxpayer and he even has to share the costs of cleaning his third house with his impoverished brother, who works as a senior executive for an oil company.

Let him describe his experiences:

"I was called 'psychologically flawed' by the Blair gang and for years they mentally abused me by repeatedly refusing to let me be Unelected Prime Minister. Until it happens to you, you don't realise the hurt it causes, I even made mistakes at work like giving away all of our gold, messing up the financial system and creating the worst recession any western country has experienced. Others even said I was a useless Prime Minister, it's OK for them, they don't hate the British people and they don't have a country to ruin ..."

Gordon has been traumatised by these appalling acts and sadly has become a bully himself, please help him by voting him into a retirement home at the next election.

Toni's story

Toni used to be a happy-go-lucky straight kinda guy. With a ready smile and sympathetic eyes, he was the "nice boy next door" kinda guy who was adored by everyone ... well you get the idea. In 1997, he suffered a terrible accident of a "landslide victory", things were never the same after this. Poor Toni's life was ruined when the neighbours from hell, the Brown and Whelan families, moved in next door. He was frequently taunted, the bullies hurled many insults at him and his joyful friend Peter as they skipped down the road hand-in-hand. They even applied peer pressure on the rest of their Labour club friends until everyone in the Labour club was calling poor Toni horrible words like "smarmy", "phoney Toni", the list of these appalling abuses is long and some cannot be repeated here. The inevitable happened, once-sweet Toni turned to crime such as lying to start a war which caused tens of thousands of civilian deaths, stealing billions from taxpayers and giving it to anyone who proved they were crooked, even to the dodgy EU neighbours. Various other disorders have set in, such as attending funerals of women he doesn't know and crying "She was the peoples' ..." and some witnesses allege that he even pretended to be an international peace-maker somewhere in the Middle-East.


Toni's wife Cherree is also a lovely person and has a notably winning smile. She works as a 24-hour mum, as a humble millionaire lawyer and also as a struggling ghost-written-for-writer. She was cruelly accused of being a stuck-up snob and a sponger. These comments hurt her deeply and drove her into a dark depression. She developed various behavioural disorders such as sponging off people even more, dabbling in hippy mystic meg-ism, buying millions of pounds worth of properties and she even felt forced to charge a fee of hundreds of thousands of dollars to a charity. Sadly her traumas worsened and she eventually turned to crime; she was seen taking thousands of pounds worth of clothing from an upmarket clothes shop in Australia without paying, taking some expensive jade jewellery from China without paying and she was even not arrested and not charged for evading a train fare at Blackfriars station. Imagine her despair when she sees normal, happy, lucky fare dodgers being prosecuted and punished while she doesn't even get arrested, it must be heartbreaking.

How you can help Toni and Cherree

Toni and Cherree are now living the life of Reilly in undreamed of luxury and are ecstatically happy. Their children get the best education and the choicest top jobs available in the western world (as a result of Toni's Iraq-War friendships).

Toni and Cherree need your help, please press your MP for an Iraq/credit crunch/other stuff treason trial and for an investigation into a certain MP's shredded expenses.

But wait ...
Beware of Fake Bullies!

Yes, it is hard to believe but bullies actually pretend to be a victim themselves.

That lady with the trustworthy face who runs that Anti-Bully organisation

Well, what breathtaking cheek, this lady, who is supposed to defend bully victims, herself viciously bullied Gordon Brown live on telly by saying "I don't think Gordon Brown is a bully". Yes, live on live television, whilst describing the list of bullying incidents in a typical Noo-Labour Westminster office. She compounded this heartless abuse by personally not identifying the victims live on telly and it is rumoured she didn't give their addresses to a Mossad hit squad.

This anti-democratic woman also deliberately worked in an office about three miles away from a local run-down conservative association, the well informed readers can make the obvious conclusions about that!

Such brazen intimidation of poor innocent Gordon by this politically astute and powerful woman was enough to unleash the forces of righteousness. The many meek and usually quietly spoken workers in the Wesminster Bubble braved the glare of publicity and the barbs of harsh innuendo and criticism from this woman's powerful spin doctors and from her cynical cowardly left-wing biased news organisations, to give her the jolly good bullying she deserved. Even our beloved unbiased BBC nobly piled in on Gordon's side, even the usually sensible and hermit-like Anne Widdecombe and a bunch of has-been MPs stuck the boot in to this evil fascist dictator suburban housewife woman. According to Greenpeace she has powerful oil executive friends.

Bullies, the only language they understand is a good bullying!

Walter, that old fella at the Labour Conference

Walter appeared to be a harmless elderly man and loyal Labour supporter. But this was a fake veneer to hide his bullying tendencies, he viciously cried "Rubbish" at the back of a Labour rally. The real victim was the fearless crusader, Jock Straw, whose father was a famous war hero coward. Jock bravely endured this single quiet comment with the same stoicism and courage shown by his father.

As a result, the bully Walter was promptly thrown out of the hall by many security staff and police, with the help of the Terrorism Act. It is shocking to read that some gutter journalists actually think Walter was the victim and that saintly Jock Straw was the bully.

Please help poor Jock by voting him out of office so that he can concentrate his lawyerly skills on suing Walter.


And there are many shocking examples of fake-bully-victims, what about unrepentant fake-victim Pam, who, just because she was horribly injured in the Paddington rail crash, had the nerve to mildly rebuke the Labour government. She fully deserved the full weight of Noo-Labour's kangaroo justice when it hit her. The selfless noo-labour spin workers, such as Peteh Mandelson and Alleystare Campbell et al., heroically smeared her with justifiable lies (in a politically correct way of course).

Girl at the cenotaph

Yes, they all LOOK harmless don't they, either young and vulnerable, or old and frail or even injured. But don't let appearances deceive you. You will will be appalled to hear that an innocent looking girl read out a list of the Iraq war dead near the Cenotaph in an intmidating and provocative way.

Sensible observers were relieved when a large white police van arrived within minutes and, thanks to our brave politicised police ( (C) ACPO), this vile fake-victim was immediately arrested, making our streets safe once again. Of course we must also thank our prescient, freedom-loving legislators for bringing in that wonderful body of anti-terrorist law which allows such prompt action to be taken.